The Theatre Bizarre (2011)
Starring: Udo Kier, Virginia Newcomb, Amanda Marquardt
Writers: All listed in the review
Directors: All listed in the review
Holy fucking WOW! The only thing I knew
about this flick before buying it on a whim was that it was an
anthology, and a couple of friends I trust thought it was awesome.
Well, I made a good choice, because this shit blew my mind. I've done
two anthology movie reviews in the past (Stephen King's Cat's Eye &
Trick 'r Treat), but I'm gonna have to handle this one a bit
differently, since it's still fairly new. Don't wanna give too much
away 'n all that jazz. What I will say right here and now is that The
Theatre Bizarre is one big fucking mash of everything I was in the
mood for last night. Tons of insane visuals, unique storytelling,
some bad ass creature and gore FX, lots and lots of sex, a crap-ton
of titties, girl and dude asses, etc.... This shit ruled.
Theatre Guignol:
This is the narrative that we'll see
throughout, introducing us to all the stories within this film, while
evolving itself as it goes along. A woman gazes from a building
window down on an abandoned theatre located across the street. She
seems almost infatuated with this place, so one night she ends up
sneaking in and plops her ass down in one of the seats for a show
like no other. The host is a puppet like man with six tales of
insanity.
Jeremy Kasten (The Attic Expeditions)
directs this segment and Zach Chassler handles the screenplay.
They've worked together in the past on the Wizard of Gore remake,
which I honestly had one hell of a time sitting through, but this
shit is pretty awesome. There are some great visuals in these
sections --such as some hyper fast front to back focusing-- and
goddamn epic red lighting schemes inside the run-down theatre, which
immediately put Argento in mind. Udo Kier (Flesh For Frankenstein) is
at his absolute creepiest as the theatre host. He's got his marionette-like movements down pat. This shit gets more bonkers as the
film moves along.
Mother of Toads:
Two lovers traveling abroad buy some
H.P. Lovecraft earrings from a horny as fuck old witch lady, and
that's all I can say about this one.
Richard 'motha fuckin' Stanley directed
two films back in the day that I hold in pretty high regard- Hardware
and Dust Devil. After all the bullshit mishaps with the Island of Dr.
Moreau remake, he seemed to fall into obscurity for a while, at least
from the horror world. Well, Mother of Toads is a pretty great
return. This story is co-written by Stanley, Scarlett Amaris and
Emiliano Ramzini, inspired by the works of H.P. Lovecraft and Clark
Ashton Smith --actually based off of his short story, Mother of
Toads. This yarn is exotic as hell with all kinds of fantastic
camera work; Great cinematography capturing all the winding roads
draped around the story's mountainous setting. Some great POV
(including solarized visuals), shaky cam and underwater shots. Wrap
this up with some kick ass creature FX and this makes for a great
first story.
I Love You:
A lady looking for a way out of a
controlling as hell relationship with her lover is finally at her
wits end.
Buddy Giovinazzo writes and directs
this one, and I can imagine it being every sick, fucking twisted,
asshole control freak's worst nightmare come true. I Love You contains
some fantastic performances from Andre Hennicke and Susan Annbeh,
as the leads. Lots of great flashback storytelling, littered with
some insanely awesome bloody nastiness.
Wet Dreams:
An unfaithful and abusive husband's
dreams begin to blur the thin line of fantasy and reality.
Tom Savini directs and co-stars in this
story alongside Debbie Rochon and James Gil, written by John Esposito
(The Walking Dead, Graveyard Shift). To be honest, I was afraid this would come out kinda hokey with Savini in a starring role, but
luckily the dude surprised me. He did damn well as the husband's
psychiatrist. Wet Dreams will probably win over fans of dream
sequences in films that make you wonder if they are in fact dreams or
not. The story definitely pulls no punches when it comes to the
gore, either.
The Accident:
A little girl is curious about the
“hows” and “whys” of death.
Douglas Buck (Sisters remake) writes
and directs, and this may seem odd to some, but it's my
absolute favorite segment from the whole lot. Here's why- I have a 4
year old daughter who is already very curious to know about the
goings-on of the world, and sometimes I have one helluva time coming
up with a correct way to provide the answers. Hopefully it doesn't
sound cheesy, but that alone made me feel more connected with this story
over any other in The Theatre Bizarre. Aside from that, there's some
beautiful scenery during driving segements of a wintery countryside,
containing trees with fall colored leaves seemingly still trying to
stay alive amidst the blankets of snow. Great use of complete
silence, as well as slow, ambient music that really hits a home run for the cold mood this story has. Fucking loved it. Unless my mind
was playing tricks, The Accident is the shortest story in the whole film, but
damn it stuck with me. Some pretty convincing FX here, too.
Vision Stains:
A murderous female fuels her addiction
by extracting victims' memories from their mother fucking eyeballs.
Written and directed by Karim Hussain
(Subconscious Cruelty, Ascension). Gotta say, Vision Stains is my
second favorite here, and hands down one of the most unique stories I
can think of in a long ass time. Goddamn there are a ton of moments
to wince at, all shown with crazy sick camera editing. I did
feel towards the middle that the ball is dropped, as the story hints
to go somewhere extremely fucking hardcore. It doesn't do exactly
what I expected. It's not really a cop-out, I was just kinda bummed.
However, the conclusion completely makes up for it, and I dug the
shit out of the story's overall message. Really got on with the
instrumental rock jams, too. Good shit.
Sweets:
A couple have a sexual infatuation for
sweets, and their relationship begins to crumble.
David Gregory (Plague Town) writes and
directs the final story here. Call me crazy, but with all the other
tales in The Theatre Bizarre leaking a great bit of gore out of their
asses, this one is the nastiest. Lindsay Goranson gives one
fan-fucking-tastic deadpan performance (and holy balls does she look
hot), and Guilford Adams matches it with his portrayal of a heartbroken man going
insane. They make for most fucked couple of the decade, easily. The
transitions from highly colorful and lively flashbacks to the the
grossly raunchy present setting of their apartment are excellent.
Also, there's numerous oddly sexy as hell makeout scenes, and I'd be
lying if I said I wasn't turned the fuck on. Fill the gaps in with
circus style music, and Sweets is one awesome way to close out the stories being told.
Final Thoughts:
I can't promise that everyone will
enjoy every single story here as much as I did, but the diversity is
incredible, and that's really the beauty of anthology films. The Theatre Bizarre definitely has a lot going for it, and I'd recommend
it to any fan who enjoys their horror heavy with blood flow, sex, and
“what the fuck?” moments. Honestly, it's one of of the best
things I have seen this year, thus far.
