Piranha 3DD
Starring: Danielle Panabaker, David Hasselhoff, Matt Bush
Writers: Patrick Melton, Marcus Dunstan, Joel Soisson
Director: John Gulager
Story:
It's been a year since a fuck-ton of
prehistoric piranhas turned Lake Victoria into an overflowing blood
bath of dead naked flesh. The waters are now completely uninhabitable, and the
town itself has since been abandoned. In another lake nearby is a floating dead cow bloated full of lovely piranha eggs. They hatch.
Meanwhile, Maddy (Danielle Panabaker)
comes home for the summer to discover that the water park she co-owns
with her horny step-dad has a newly added adult theme, just in time
for the season opening.
So, do the math- a water park full of
partying hotties + a nearby lake full of newly hatched prehistoric
piranhas. Yeah, you can guess where this is going!
Review:
Double the action. Double the terror.
Double the D's.
Hmmm, I dunno about all that. Alex Aja's
Piranha remake delivered the action in full, and you'll be hard
pressed to find a lady in this sequel with titties more mind boggling
than the ones that rest happily on the chest of porn star, Gianna
Michaels. Once again, there is no terror aspect, as these flicks are
more hilarious than anything else. Isn't that what they are supposed
to be? All that being said- this may not be as awesome as the first
round, but there isn't a single moment where I didn't have a smile on
my face.
This movie is suffering severe backlash
right now. Maybe it's because of awful 3D FX, I dunno. I caught it on
VOD in standard definition, and it was everything I hoped for.
Piranha 3DD is just a dumb fucking party movie, and it never once
strives to be anything more than that. Even when there's a tiny
semblance of dramatic element involved, Director John Gulager layers
it with a heavy helping of cheese, using epic slo-mo and/or a
soundtrack fitting for a true edge of your seat action film. But
that's the whole thing. 3DD is not an edge of your seat action film,
and it's only epic with corniness. It is a SyFy channel level of a
sequel. And since Aja's film was bordering along the lines of that
anyway, why not tip the raft all the way over into a pool of fucking
ridiculous?
So, what's up, Weinsteins? Why put $20
million into this project only to drop the finished project off to
less than 100 theaters? Did you really think it was THAT bad? Are you afraid of your reputation or something? Lemme tell ya, you
guys have pumped out some straight shit in the past; films way worse
and void of any entertainment. Piranha 3DD may not be utterly
amazing, but it's not completely worthless, either. I'll stand by it.
It's awesomely bad, and I mean that to be a compliment.
Now, titties. While Aja's Piranha did
seem to have more, this sequel is certainly no slouch. We get boobs
of all varieties and full frontal awesomeness. Slo-mo shots of
nothing but chesticles. It's great; just not a Gianna Michaels/Ashlynn Brooke sandwich kind of great. There's still a ton of glorious
eye candy on nearly every frame and it is a gift, if you're a pervy bastard like
myself. Also, like its predecessor as well as like Gulager's Feast
films, Piranha 3DD doesn't shy away when it comes to private parts
carnage. Speaking of carnage...
Gore and nudity is what a film like
this SHOULD be about. I'm looking at you, Shark Night. Now, of
course, CGI piranhas look stupid as shit, but it's an amazing kind of
stupid as shit. I'm fairly certain that every aspect of both of these
films is supposed to be fucking absurd. Anyway, these hungry bastards
look hilarious, even when not computerized. If you love cheesy
monster shit, then this should be fun for you. As far as actual
bloodletting, I'm not sure we ever reach the high marks of gore that
were on display at Lake Victoria, but this one still gets pretty damn
nasty more than a few times. And a lot of the kills are done up in
unique fashion, utilizing the water park setting quite well. I'll
leave it at that.
Onto acting- it's not just the actors
you will expect to be hamming it up that are hamming it up, it's pretty much
the entire cast. Even the ones that aren't going overboard are put in
situations that place their performances on a plane of B-movie
greatness. Danielle Panabaker and Matt Bush may be the two playing it
the most straight, but the love angle they are a part of is gleefully
drenched in melted Velveeta. If this weren't Piranha 3DD, all of
their cutesy scenes would be damn near uncomfortable to watch.
However, this is Piranha 3DD, so all is well in sleazeville. But when it
comes to the actors who you KNOW are gonna bring the ham, David
Hasselhoff, Christopher Lloyd and Ving Rhames are in full fucking
force. All three are a true delight, but Hasselhoff steals the whole
damn show --as himself-- and takes all the necessary digs
at his Baywatch past. It's almost too much awesome to take in. One complaint- not enough Gary Busey or Clu Gulager. Bummer.
As far as soundtrack goes, there's all
kinds of booty bumpin' melodies that fit the scenery to perfection,
even if such music usually nauseates the hell out of my ears. Add in
the score I mentioned earlier from Elia Cmiral and you get an
atmosphere sometimes reminiscent of the ever so epic Poolboy:
Drowning Out the Fury. The seriously played musical compositions add
a fantastically offbeat balance to all the shenanigans at hand. Yeah,
that sentence was fucked up. Keepin' it!
Final Thoughts:
I enjoyed Piranha 3DD quite a
bit. Maybe it's because I am lenient when it comes to trash, maybe
it's because I had the perfect beer buzz, I dunno. I think a movie
like this is meant to be devoured in such a way. Shame on you
Dimension for handing it the shaft. Do us all a kindness and go
make another Scary Movie sequel, since those are SO much more
pleasurable. Oh wait, you already are.
