DISCLAIMER: The Following Information Is for Entertainment Purposes Only.
100% Medically (and Factually) Inaccurate, (contrary to what the Centipede told you).
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"If
it bleeds… we can kill it!” or “Bullets and Glow-Stick Blood.”
By: Frank Browning |
So, how does one put into words the
awesomeness that is Predator? There are SO many awesome things to
consider in this gem, so I’ma just get to them as we go along. I
may have been born in 1981, but 1987 is the year I came to life. I
hope to Gandhi’s ball sack that everyone’s seen this movie by
now. The sombitch’s been out for over 20 years. If you haven’t
seen it, prepare for spoilers and ridicule galore.
First off, I’ll give you guys an
uber-quick rundown, just for the Face-Heads* who don’t already
know. A team of commandos, with more bullets than ANY elite force
should EVER have, embark on a mission in a jungle and find themselves
hunted by an extra-terrestrial warrior with a Vagina for a mouth.
This movie is an excellent exercise in
80s excess, boasting more rippling muscles, bullets, bad one-liners,
grenades, RPG’s, bullets and bullets than anyone can shake a
severed, disembodied spinal column at. I think this film finds a lot
of people in their prime. The planets must’ve aligned. (Earth
aligned with Uranus).
As is customary in my world, it is
imperative that I spend some time on the awesome cast.
Arnold Schwarzenegger heads up the cast as Major Dutch.
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“Who is your Daddy and what does he
do?”
I won’t go into the man’s
filmography, for God’s sake you’re a Grown-Ass Man (or Woman) and
can do so yourself. We all know what this man’s famous for. Dutch is the leader of the pack. He
maintains that he leads a rescue team, not assassins. (Tell that to
all the flora and fauna that die needlessly by his hands in the
jungle. Who stands for them?)
Carl Weathers weighs in as Dillon, a
CIA Scumbag with ulterior motives who pushes a lot of pencils and
runs a fuckin tie business.
“Some damn fool said it’s all in
the hips…”
Carl Weathers plays in some other
wicked- awesome flicks such as Rocky I-IV, Action Jackson, Happy
Gilmore, The Sasquatch Gang (I swear to God this is real) and Alien
Siege.
Sonny Landham comes in as the team’s
Native American soldier who can’t find a single track and wouldn’t
wish their planned travel routes on a broke-dick dog.
“We’re all going to die down here.”
He does excel at only understanding
every third joke you tell him. It’s important to have a guy on your
team who loves to stand on fallen trees and cut his titties with
Rambo’s knife. Nothing says survival like bloody, sweaty man-tits. Landham bulldozes his way through other
films such as Lockup, 48 Hours, The Warriors, Firewalker, Action
Jackson (along with Carl Weathers) and Best of the Best 2.
Bill Duke weighs in as Mac, a man who
appreciates a good shave and likes “to have me some fun!”
“So, the thing is, you put the
furniture together yourself?…”
Duke has been in some wicked flicks
such as Commando (with Schwarzenegger), Action Jackson (along with
Carl Weathers and Sonny Landham), Bird on a Wire, Payback, Exit
Wounds, Red Dragon and X-Men: The Last Stand.
Jesse “The Body” Ventura of WWF
fame plows into this flick as Blain, a sexual tyrannosaurs with a
mini-gun and no time to bleed. He also has filthy habits.
“…and I Dance Dance Dance and I
Dance Dance Dance!”
Ventura also lends himself to such
films as The Running Man (with Schwarzenegger), Abraxas: Guardian of
the Universe (one of my personal favorites), Ricochet, Demolition Man
and Batman & Robin.
Richard Chaves slides in as Poncho, a
guy who gets slammed by logs, hits nothing and swears he can make it.
“Then who answered the phone when
Cypher snuck into the Matrix to make the deal with Smith?!”
Chaves’ TV credits outweigh his movie
roles with guest appearances on Eight is Enough, Dallas, Hill Street
Blues, Miami Vice, L.A. Law, MacGyver, Babylon 5, Star Trek: Voyager,
Walker: Texas Ranger and Days of Our Lives.
Shane Black jokes his way through the
flick as Hawkins, a man hopelessly addicted to his woman’s
oversized lady parts aka Vaj.
“….Face-Heads?”
Black’s forte is writing, by far. The
man has penned (or developed stories and characters for) some of our
favorite action flicks of all time, such as Lethal Weapon, Lethal
Weapon 2, The Last Boy Scout, Lethal Weapon 3, Last Action Hero (a
personal favorite), The Long Kiss Goodnight, Lethal Weapon 4, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Iron Man 3. He’s also done some directing on
films like Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (another personal favorite) and the
upcoming Iron Man 3. Dude gets around.
And now for some honorable-ish
mentions.
R.G. Armstrong has a small role as
General Phillips. You may also recognize him as “Prune Face” from
Warren Beatty’s film adaptation of Dick Tracy in ’90.
 
The late Kevin Peter Hall plays our loveable
Vag-Faced Predator (a role once pegged for JCVD, seriously). You may
also recognize him as Sasquatch from Harry and the Hendersons the
film and TV series.
 And last but probably least we have Elpidia Carrillo as Anna who doesn’t know what it was. She does give a brief Spanish(?) lesson on how to say “The Demon who make/s trophies of man.”
"I
don't know what it was. It..."
I’m
sure she’s done some other stuff but it can’t compare to Predator
so we’ll move along. I’m pretty sure she did a Colgate commercial
in the summer of ’83.
Now, with that out of the way, I’d like to move on to the crew.
I have to mention that this movie was directed by John McTiernan a legend in his own right, if you ask me. The man directed Die Hard 1 & 3, The Hunt for Red October, Last Action Hero and The 13th Warrior. How can he not be awesome, right?
And Creature effects maestro Stan Winston gives us the Vagy-Faced Predator. May he rest in peace.
He’s the floating head down here at the bottom.
OMG, I could do an article on Stan Winston movie monsters (perhaps another time)! So, the man is responsible for effects on films like Terminator, The Monster Squad, Leviathan, Congo, The Relic, Small Soldiers, Lake Placid, End of Days, Galaxy Quest, Jurassic Park and Pumpkinhead (which he also directed). The man is rad, period.
This movie was scored by Alan Silvestri. This cat is responsible for some of our favorite themes and scores to movies like the Back to the Future films, Delta Force, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Young Guns II, Sidekicks, Judge Dredd (a personal favorite) and Forrest Gump.
Moving on.
The plot is fairly simple and straightforward. A team of special force ops are ordered in to assist the CIA on a rescue mission for survivors of a helicopter crash in a remote South American jungle. Soon after they land, Arnie and his team discover that Dillon cooked up a story and dropped the 6 of them in a meat grinder. This deception turns out to be the least of their worries when they find themselves being hunted by something with a Vagina for a mouth, a shoulder mounted laser canon and glow stick juice for blood.
There are some interesting little known facts I’d like to share about this flick. All of these and more can be found on IMDb’s page for Predator.
An attempt was made to get shots of the Predator swinging from tree to tree using a monkey in a red special-effects suit. However, the monkey kept removing the suit and the idea was abandoned. I guess flinging shit is not a necessary defense mechanism for a Predator. This leads me to wonder what color a Predator’s shit would be and would it glow? But I digress.
I hate politics but this is interesting. Jesse Ventura was elected Governor of Minnesota in 1998, and Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected Govinator of California in 2003. In addition, Sonny Landham ran an unsuccessful campaign for Governor of Kentucky in 2003. Both Landham and Ventura also sought to enter the Senate in 2008 in their states. Both dropped out. Carl Weathers hopes to soon takeover rights and responsibilities for Mayor McCheese.
The predator's blood - a goopy substance with the color of Mountain Dew - was made on-set using a mixture of the liquid from inside glow sticks, and KY jelly (something I had suspected for many years).
Peter Cullen, the voice of mighty Optimus Prime, voiced the Predator.
Body count: 69, 1 scorpion, 1 boar and a Predator.
So, add all that up, I don't know what the hell it means, but you got a bad ass combination of things that make an awesome bullet-festival. It boggles the mind to think of all the things that go into making a movie and how it all sometimes comes together and gels into a perfect killing machine with a Vagina for a mouth.
I hope you folks have and will enjoy this movie as much as I have and do. If you haven’t seen it, I hate your face and command you to watch it immediately. If you have seen it, I urge you to watch it again on mute with subtitles and assign each person to a character and essentially re-dub the whole movie (preferably drunk). You will never have more fun in your life.
I also urge everyone on earth to watch this YouTube video for more Predator laughs. It’s worth 3 minutes of your time.
I dedicate this article to the memory of the late Stan Winston.
*Face-Head is a derogatory term I came up with that doesn’t actually insult you. Don’t ask.
--Frank Browning
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