DISCLAIMER: Okay, I have something you
need to know before you read this review. I am fucking in love with
Michael Biehn, and the moment I realized that was right after the
first time I ever saw Terminator. I hope I'm not the only
lady (or dude) out there that totally swoons for him, and that some
of you can appreciate my appreciation of him.
So, when I first
started this review I was just walking through the movie and ranting.
Then I hit a wall (once Michael Biehn's dialogue started and all I
wanted to do was talk about him), and decided that maybe it was for
the best for me to take it back to square one. I thought maybe I
should take a different approach to this much loved film of mine, and
see where it lead me. What I came up with was an entirely different
shot (harhar, gun pun) at this review. So, here you go, what I call
“Terminator Review, Round 2: FIGHT!”
Image by Frank Browning
The Terminator
Starring: Linda Hamilton, Michael Biehn, Arnold Schwarzenegger
Writers: James Cameron, Gale Anne Hurd, William Wisher Jr.
Director: James Cameron
By: Brandy Serra
We all know this flick is about the
biggest most badass cyborg from the future world that is all fucked
up after nuclear war and machines took our shit over, who traveled
back through time to kill the mother of the leader of the human
resistance before she ever gives birth to him, and the man who came
across time to save her life because he loves her and shit. This
flick is also about badass Guns n' Shit! – the n' shit being
awesome one-liners, sick ass car chases, and legit as fuck
cameos/bitparts – earning it a solid place in my heart, and a slot
in 80's Action Week.
First, let's talk
about the bad guy. Cyberdine systems, Model 101, Arnold
Schwarzenegger is super ripped in this, and when we first meet him,
super naked. Like, sculptured and chiseled ass and wang flapping in
the breeze like a monkey swinging through the trees type naked.
He quickly shows us
just how badass he is by beating up three punks, ripping one of their
hearts straight out of his chest in the process, just so he can steal
their motorcycle punk look. He ups the ante by shooting countless
innocent bystanders and inthewayers throughout his conquest for
Connor's life. He also has a habit of making dudes ditch their rides
(garbage truck guy – “what the hell?” – bail; tanker guy
– “Get out.” – bail!) and is a very skilled self-surgeon.
Surgery looks hard enough without having to cut out your own eyeball,
but I guess when you are a machine that shit doesn't matter. You
just put on some fuckin' shades and go. Also, he looks like a
goddamn maniac when he drives around.
Now, let's talk
about the heroine, the Mother of the Future. When we first meet her,
it's a trifecta of 80's love-inducers; feathered hair, a moped, and
mom jeans!
Instantly Hamilton
is everyone's favorite lady as we watch her suffer through a
miserable day – work sucks, love life sucks – she's just begging
to be saved by some dashing rogue! When she first learns her fate,
she's pretty much helpless as far as survival skills go, she can't
fight or defend herself whatsoever, and she pretty much falls to
pieces when the stress hits.
However, as the
movie progresses, so does Sarah. She transforms into a meta-badass,
playing with pipe bombs, driving/evading like a boss, and killing
machines like she's been doing that shit for decades. By the time
the credits roll we know she is, indeed, the mother of the
resistance. This is obviously contributed to one lone factor: KYLE
FUCKING REESE.
Finally there is our hero, Reese DN38416.
Michael Biehn was one of the best casting choices ever made. I
remember the first time I ever saw this movie and I knew absolutely
nothing about it, I couldn't really decide if the nameless dude was
actually a good guy or not. I thought he might be joining up with
Arnold to help him kill the girl. When he stepped forward in
TechNoir to defend Sarah and fearlessly battled this totally
unstoppable construct, my young mind was completely blown.
As the movie
progressed, I understood that he wasn't just a good guy, but
the good guy; he was the greatest hero that I had ever
witnessed. Not only does he stand up bravely against a battle he
can't possibly hope to win (three. fucking. times.), he does it all
while totally badassing out by hotwiring and driving stolen cars
around like a boss, shooting & driving, hanging out the window
and shooting, evading police & death like it's nothing, need I
continue?
The guy is so
awesome I could go on forever, but is that enough for Cameron? Oh,
fuck no, as if ladies weren't loving this guy enough, they throw in
the fact that he's in love with her to make our panties go from gushy
to melted. If I were Sarah Connor, it would have been all over as
soon as he said “Come with me if you want to live!” However,
because she is a little more wary than I, we are treated to the
speech he gives about her photograph and the deal is sealed for John
Connor's existence. The fact that Michael Biehn can span all of
these character traits without flaw speaks volumes about his acting
abilities.
Obviously, if you
want to have a super successful 80's Action Movie, you need a
decidedly impressive cast. Terminator is one of those epic
movies where there wasn't one false step in the casting call, even
down to the bit parts. Every person with dialogue positively nails
what they were shooting for. Lance Henriksen & Paul Winfield as
the lead officer duo are such a fantastic match, and their light
banter serves as a great break up to the gruesome story they'll never
uncover.
Also, it can't go
without being declared of how goddamn awe-inspiring Paxton is! This
is truly one of my favorite cameos ever. Bill Paxton can do no
wrong, because no matter what role he plays, he is still Bill goddamn
Paxton at the heart of it. His blue liberty spikes, gap tooth,
bizarre tire tread face tattoo, ridiculous facial expressions and
awesome one-liners – which are some of the best lines in the movie:
“This guy's a couple cans short of a 6 pack!” and “Fuck you,
asshole!” being my personal favorites – how can you not want this
dude to pop up in every 80's film for a one minute scene?
Also, Pax's only dialogue-bestowed sidekick (pictured above) is played by none other than Brian Thompson, in his first role ever. While you may know him from such 80's greats as Cobra, Miracle Mile, and Alien Nation, he will always be the chosen form of the Alien Bounty Hunter from The X-Files TV show to me. Other mentionable cameo goes to Dick "Futterman" Miller, a Joe Dante staple, as the gun store owner. He is bestowed the lovely honor of helping Arnie acquire his armory, and also the honor of being the first one to suffer the other end of his barrel. Too bad this is an off-screen death, I would've loved to have seen a more graphic display of grumpy old Futterman's demise.
Although there are
a few slightly obnoxious moments involving onscreen extras being way
too conspicuous – namely the guy staring down Hamilton when she is
looking herself up in the phonebook – they are very few and far
between, and easy to forget about.
Now, also integral
to the 80's Action Movie Formula are the chases, and there are some
pretty sick ass ones to be seen in Terminator. The first of
which is a foot chase, where Kyle Reese starts out barefoot running
through alleys in an unfamiliar landscape, and ends with him fully
clothed (boo) and stealing a shotgun out of an unattended police car,
using his ninja skills & dodging the cops the whole time! I
mean, how fucking awesome of a person can ditch cops while committing
more crimes?! I guess evading a few cops is nothing, really, when
you've been battling the machines your entire life. Besides, they
are a bunch of fluffy little rabbits wanting to cuddle compared to
the balls-out pursuits between Biehn and Schwarzenegger. The stakes
are raised when cars are brought into the chase formula, after they
flee the night club. Our heroes are driving without headlights, on
sidewalks and down alleyways, weaving in and out of traffic, crashing
cop cars, and the entire time Reese is lecturing/educating Connor. After
a brief interlude in the car garage where they pick up a newer,
unbattered car, another chase kicks right in, starting off with this
awesome across-lanes shotgun shootout:
and including this
awesome bit of epicness
and finally ending
with the heroes surrendering to police. Three just doesn't seem like
enough, though, does it? Of course not! So they throw in another
during the climax of the movie (or right after the literal climax,
ohhhhh sex puns) this one motorcycle pursuing truck, in which the
heroes switch spots while driving, lug lit pipe bombs out the window,
and ultimately crash most excellently. Then they switch and Hamilton
is on foot while Arnie and his fake head try to run her down in a
tanker, which Biehn uses a trusty pipe bomb to induce a most heinous
explosion.
I don't know who
exactly was the car chase choreographer, but I'd love to play some
racing video games with them. Namely Burnout.
Here we are.
You can't have an entry in Guns n' Shit! without talking about the
damn guns! There is plenty of firepower fueled action to be had when
it comes to Terminator. When the opposing sides acquire their
armories you know shit is going to just be nuts. Arnold goes for a
nice rounded collection, including a shotgun (12 guage auto-loader),
a handgun (45 long slide with laser sighting), and a machine gun (Uzi
9mm). Too bad they were out of plasma rifles, I would've liked to
have seen that battle. Our underdog soldier is left only with a
stolen shotgun, which he improves by sawing it off at the fucking
nuts. Their first shootout is downright incredible; up until the
night club scene, it's just been big hulking Arnie stalking and
wasting defenseless humans (poor Ginger didn't even get to finish her
sangwich), but when he rides up on Hamilton in TechNoir and Biehn
steps forward to defend her the shit meets the proverbial fan. Biehn
is just nuts with his sawed-off shotgun; laying every shot into his
target, you know he is a battle-hardened beast. Arnold takes that
shit like a, well, machine, firing back with no care for collateral
damage or ammunition supplies. As the bullets fly and the bottles
shatter, it becomes clear that even though the odds are harshly
stacked against him, Reese may be pretty well matched with the
maniacal machine.
Later on when the
cyborg catches up with them and the second car chase starts, they are
exchanging gunfire while driving. It's like a combination of the
TechNoir gunfight and the first car pursuit smashed together. This
entire shootout is shotgun vs. shotgun and, in my opinion, entirely
too short-lived. However, because they are taken into police custody
we are treated to the wonderful station intrusion scene where the
metal busts in, dual-wielding like a beast, laying waste to every
person he encounters. Seriously, he takes out at least a dozen cops
in the span of a minute, and that is just balls-out awesome. In all
of this excitement though, let us please not fail to appreciate the
absolutely awesome epicness that is the “flashbacks to the future”
scenes. In these we see just how sincerely formidable this fighter
is – in the first scene alone he's throwing bombs, shooting guns,
dodging lasers, running for his life, sliding across car hoods and
through the busted out windshield, and taking off like a boss!
Part
of what makes these future flashbacks so jaw-dropping is the model
work and special effects. You can't have a kick ass flick with
sub-par effects in it, and with a legend like Stan Winston on board
you know your ass is covered. The design of the war-torn future is
just so devastatingly nasty that you hate the computers even before
they take over. Showcasing all of the creations that the higher
intelligence has designed for itself to annihilate mankind and just
how totally dickish they are to humans really drives home that this
isn't just a battle for one woman's life, but for all of our lives.
Damn, that shit is heavy.
The aforementioned
self-surgery scene where Arnold operates on his robot arm and cuts
his own eyeball out are really gruesome for the time; where most
other mainstream/big budget films were still cutting away from the
gory stuff and pulling their punches, Terminator throws this
shit right in your face. It does make me yearn for more bloody
brawls & gunfights, a la Robocop, but the movie is still
extremely intense. The fight between Matt (Ginger's boyfriend) and
Arnold is kinda nasty, and the station shootout scene has bitches
eating it left and right. Of course, we can't leave out the robotic
effects in a movie about a killer cyborg! The mechanical
Schwarzenegger head is a complete win. That shit is so righteous and
seeing the mechani-head driving the big tanker at the end is fairly
boss as well.
However, nothing
compares to the moment when the metal skeleton stands up in the
flaming remains of the tanker, right after our heroes have their
loving reunion and we believe the day is won. The stop-animation
here is extremely legit. So much so that even now this shit holds up
well – I guess in that vein I am somewhat of a purist. It's like
watching the old Star Wars saga, and is especially reminiscent
of the battle between Luke and the Rancor at Jabba's palace. STILL.
OWNS. FACES.
Speaking of faces,
this
is one of the
greatest love stories ever written. I mean, this guy traveled
through time to save a woman he never even met but was already in
love with. He had no idea if he would even survive time travel, much
less be able to find her and save her, but couldn't pass up a chance
to meet the legend... of his heart! The passionate side of their
super-speed relationship is not cringe-inducing like some other
flicks, where it seems like they just threw in a love story for the
fuck of it, but it actually belongs in the plot, and makes you care
for the characters more instead of taking away from the action bits.
Also, the connection between the photograph, where he first talks
about it and how he wondered what she was thinking at that moment
because she seemed a little sad, and then at the end they reveal
BOOM! she was thinking about him! It's such a nice touch I can't go
without mentioning it. It's for the vagina inside all of us.
Sarah
& Kyle rent their first place together
For the real
mechanics of the movie, there are some awesome shots to be scene
(harhar) here. From Arnold's ride pulling up and smashing the toy
semi (ooh, foreshadowing!), to the tanker explosion at the climax of
the film, they really let it all out in the visual department, but it
is done so well it doesn't seem like a flashy, in your face, look at
all this shit, michaelbaysplosions! type of movie. In fact, some of
the coolest shots have nothing to do with any action whatsoever –
my favorite being the time clock.
...and when that
totally bitchin' theme song kicks in, the fucking magic begins. Every time I watch this movie, I hear that song and feel like I could
battle killing machines in a post-apocalyptic future, no damn
problem. Sure, that shit would probably suck most of the time, but
it still has it's kicks, I'm sure. While your friends may get
evaporated by HK's in front of your eyes and you never stop fighting
even when you're “safe” at camp, you still have those moments,
like when you play gunfight with that one kid, and longingly stare at
John Connor's mom's picture. See? Things wouldn't be so bad. Aside
from the main theme, which rules slowed down for the hotel room
shenanigans, there is some awesome composition going on here. The
chase music, the you're about to get your head blown off music, they
are all exceptional pieces. Brad Fiedel is a compositional maniac, and he is unstoppable and completely flawless here. Even the choices of songs put into the movie for the ambiance of the scenes – Ginger's
headphones & the dances they inspire being the best – are well
made and placed in the flick. The 80's Club Scene is pretty
terrifying to me, and I don't mean the scene from the movie. I mean
the Scene scene. The way those people dance, dress, etc, oh my it's
just horrible (but well captured).
To wrap it up, this
movie is truly not to be fucked with. This is one of those movies
where when someone tells you they have never seen it, your jaw hits
the floor, and you instruct them to view it post haste. It is such a
solid piece, from start to finish, I can't even fathom a reality
where someone could not like Terminator.
