PMS – Post Makeup Shit
By: Brandy Serra
So, it's been quite some time since it
has been "That Time of the Month" over here at Back Online Back On
Duty. This isn't due to the fact that I have been neglecting my
desires for a monthly appearance, but more because I fail to follow
through sometimes. It's a personal flaw. However, I am going to
make it up to all you loverly folks right now with a blurb for each
month I missed, and amping myself up for a January post. Back on to
regularity!
OCTOBER
October is a magical time here at Chez
Robo. As I am sure is true with most of you fine individuals,
Halloween is like Christmas to us, and we celebrate it all month
long. This past year, we were largely wrapped up in devouring movies and the awesome blog idea I had for October fell by
the way side (don't worry, I'm saving it for this year).
There are many things we love about the
season, from all the non-stop horror movie viewing to
trick-or-treating with our daughter, we have plenty to keep us busy.
Regardless, we always have time to unwind at the end of each day with
some adult drinks and October is magic hour for the best brews of the
year. It's the absolute best season for beer hands-down (your winter
shit is okay, but nothing beats autumn beers!), and we tried
everything we could get our hands on. Though the selection is
limited in our area compared to what we saw some of our online
friends picking up across the country, we still had a decent sampling
in our hot little hands. I normally have a hard time putting things
in order from best to worst, or top tens and things of that nature,
but this is something I can firmly rank.
Newcastle Werewolf –
This is a beer we heard of in the fall of 2011, and I tried
desperately to get it for us. Aside from the obviously awesome
horror connection, we love Newcastle in general. So, we went to
every store in our area, called all the stores within driving
distance, and I even put in a special order request at the grocery
store I work at. No such luck for the Robo family, we were told it
was unattainable, and the beer vendor at my store told me he had
never even heard of it. Douche. We checked the Newcastle website,
but one twelve pack would set us back over $30 with shipping, so we
decided we would just have to go without. You can imagine my
surprise when, in early October of 2012, I was walking up the beer
aisle of my store (it's my favorite aisle, I always travel it so I
can see what I'll be taking home after work), and the brown case
practically jumped up and clawed my face off. I immediately grabbed
a 12 pack and put it in the back with my name on it. RESERVED,
DAMMIT! I couldn't believe how easy it was, as I figured we'd have
the same difficulty of the prior year. This was easily my favorite
beer of the season, and we bought our fair share of it. I can't
describe shit about how a beer tastes, how bitter or light, or any of
that bullshit. I just know what I like, and I like this shit. It is
a red ale, that's about all I can give you. This shit is amazing and
there are even now a few 12 packs left at my home store, so we will
be able to enjoy a little more of our wolfish nature until this
autumn arrives. /rant
Sam Adams Pumpkin Ale
– I fucking love Sam Adams. That asshole knows how to make some
tasty fucking beers, and this is one of them. The pumpkin flavor is
a a bit more subtle than some of the other brews available, but it is
just such a smooth and easy to drink concoction that we were quite
dismayed it wasn't available to us in a 12 pack. Even though it
would have been pricey, I would have bought that shit in a heartbeat.
Shipyard Pumpkinhead
– Although it is third on the list, these first three beers are
very close as far as top spot competitors go. I would tie this one
with the Sam Adams Pumpkin Ale, and they are both scraping the heels
of the Werewolf. This was the first Shipyard I have ever tried (I've
had others since), and I was very impressed with it. Eric and I
split a six of it, and even though we were both pretty set after
that, both of us wanted another three. This beer is similar to the
Sam Adams Pumpkin in the vein that the pumpkin flavor is not highly
pronounced and slapping you in the face, but it blends nicely into a
good beer.
Blue
Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ale –
This was by far the most pumpkin-tasting beer we had. The flavor was
good, not too strongly pumpkin, but pretty well-balanced with the
beer taste we like. We only purchased a few 12 packs through the
whole season, but we were both sad to see it finally disappear from
the shelves.
Sam Adams Octoberfest –
As stated before, I loves me some SA. This was still a really good
beer and I almost hate to put it this low on the list, but it just
wasn't as good as some of the other offerings of the season. I still
enjoyed the hell out of it, and my fair share of them through the
month.
Shock-Top Pumpkin Wheat
– This was easily my least favorite of the season. I like
Shock-Top's regular brew, but I tend to be unimpressed with their
“specialty” offerings. The Pumpkin Wheat followed suit, and I
was wholly underwhelmed with the flavor of this. It tasted like a
bland Shock-Top with the tiniest hint of pumpkin aftertaste. And not
good aftertaste, but more like wake up after a night of heavy
drinking with a thick tongue and dry mouth aftertaste. Don't be
tempted by the lure of Pumpkin on the label, pass this one up.
some
of these were snatched off the web
since I wasn't planning on doing a
beer post at the time
Now,
it isn't a beer, but if you like to drink, make sure you ask your
local liquor carrier to bring in some Pinnacle Pumpkin Pie
Vodka this year. Pinnacle makes
some good vodkas in general, and though their flavors kept us away
for a while, we eventually tried a small bottle of the Whipped and
decided that it was a pretty good idea to have sweets-flavored
liquors after all. They have everything from Cake to Cotton Candy,
even a Swedish Fish (which I have not been brave enough to try), and
for the autumn season they drag out their Pumpkin Pie flavor. This
shit is delicious, and if you make some Halloween Brew (mix 1 part
vodka, 1 part cranberry, and 2 parts orange juice), you will be
feeling F – I – N – E, fine. If you make them into doubles,
you will be soaring through magic land in no time. It tastes like
liquid candy, but the acidity of the orange juice balances it into a
not-too-sweet mix perfect for the Halloween season.
Post
Autumn season, I learned of a magical land not too far away called
World of Beer. I know, I know, it sounds like a fairy tale, but do
not fret true believers, this year we will be making a
trip or five to make sure we have a much more adequate fall beer
coverage. Now, if only October would hurry up and
arrive.
NOVEMBER
Typically,
I hate November. Here's why:
- November means the death of October.
- Thanksgiving to me is a holiday where I am forced to see some family members I have no desire of associating with. The food is good, but not worth the mental torture of their company.
- It's the sign that Christmas is next and, yet again, I'm completely unprepared.
- I work at a grocery store, and even though this is supposed to be a time of year where everyone is nice to each other, that stops at the door and it's asshole central in my face nearly every day. This pisses off my co-workers as well, so the entire atmosphere of the store is bleak.
Apparently, November is pun month, with
No Shave November, and Mo-vember (mustache time for those who don't know, and
you never trust a man with a mustache. Tom Atkins is the only
exception to this rule.) The only November pun that matters is DINOVEMBER!
With
the recently announced Jurassic Park 4, it was easy for me to decide
what to cover in November. I don't give a shit who you are, that
theme song makes anyone feel like a boss. Also, when you are on the
ride at Universal Islands of Adventure and that shit kicks in, it's
pretty amazing. Dinosaurs are badass in general, and we would be
supremely fucked if they still were around. So, without further ado
– in no particular order – here is some Dino coverage.
Jurassic
Park – This movie is king as
far as dino flicks go. You can't top the amazingness that this film
got across. When they are driving in the jeep and first come up on
the field of dinos, the look on Sam Neill's face exactly portrays how
awed you would feel. Fucking dinosaurs tromping around,
goddammitanyway. The animatronics and CGI are totally badass in this flick,
and when I first saw it, my young little self was terrified that this
dino island was real and they would somehow escape and wreck the
world. They are giving this one the 3d treatment this summer, so we
shall see what the conversion quality is. I am interested to see a
T-Rex wreck shit in the third dimension. P.S. Dino DNA!
Jurassic Park 2: The Lost World –
I went to see this movie in the theater for a friend's birthday
party, where afterwards her four year old little brother was
pretending to be a T-Rex and tried to bodyslam their pet cat. A lot
of people hate on this flick, but I can still watch and enjoy it.
The idea of a fucking T-Rex in your backyard is just badass.
Jurassic Park III –
This sequel is even more hated, but I can't understand why. Sure,
it's cheesy to the extreme, but it's still a fun ride. Eric calls it
a big-budget B-movie, which sums it up perfectly. A lot of
people hate how they killed off the T-Rex so fast, but I think this
may be due to the fact that we discovered scientifically that a T-Rex
was NOT a predator, but a scavenger. It tried, and I
can appreciate that.
Turok: The Dinosaur Hunter
– For most people, Nintendo 64 means a few things – Zelda, Mario,
Mariokart, and Goldeneye. A lot of people seem to have forgotten
about this awesome gem, wherein you are a badass motherfucker out to
wreck the shit of some asshole dinosaurs. I remember getting
frustrated with how often I was overwhelmed and killed in this game,
but that never made it any less fun to play. You were fucking
hunting dinosaurs, dammit.
1,000,000 Years B.C. –
This old Hammer film is uber badass, and I mean, who doesn't want to
see Raquel Welch run around in a skimpy cave-wo-man skin bikini?
Although it's not solely about dinosaurs, they are still in the shit,
so I'm mentioning it, and fucking. bikini.
The Land Before Time
– The original installment in this series is an unbeatable kids
movie that I still hold near and dear to my heart, and I've seen it
countless times. Sharktooth terrified the hell out of me, Sarah was
a little bitch, Littlefoot is kind of a pussy sometimes, Ducky was
quirky and funny, but no one is better than Petrie! Unfortunately
it's name has been sullied with 500 unnecessary sequels, each more
terrible than the last.
The Carnosaur Series
– I have never seen any of these flicks (shame on me), but Eric
assures me they are quite spectacular cheese-fests with over-the-top
gore and violence. Sounds amazing to me. Methinks I feel a marathon
approaching. The first was released two weeks before Jurassic Park,
so this is the rare case where the low-budget mockup got the hand up.
Fuck yeah Carnosaur!
Why
have I not seen this shit yet?
The Land of The Lost
– No, I'm not talking about the Will Ferrel bullshit, I mean the
old ass TV show with the shitty looking monkey guy on it (1991). I
loved the hell out of this show when I was a young'un, crappy effects
and all. Although my memory is hazy, I do remember the turmoil and
how they almost made it home like a dozen times just to fail at the
last minute. It was like Gilligan's Island but stuck in the past
with fucking dinos. Bummer. I've never seen the older-ass TV show
from the 70s but photos online look promising. Too bad it isn't
streaming.
Rex (from Toy Story)
– You may think I'm pathetic for putting this on the list (or it
may further reaffirm your thoughts of my patheticness), but Rex is
one of the coolest dinosaurs that ever existed. Voiced by Shawn
Wallace, he is a little wuss-ass T-Rex. It's genius. He loves
playing video games and he has some of the best lines. In Toy Story
3, he had the first line that made me cry. Yeah, I cried at that
movie. A lot. If you didn't, your soul is black and twisted beyond
mortal reasoning.
I'd
love to talk about some giant monster movies right about now, as I
have a great affinity for them as well. However, since I consider
them to be in their own vein, I can't bunch in Kaiju movies with
dinosaur movies. They have their own separate category, and will
receive a separate post.
DECEMBER
The
only good things about December for me is how awesome Christmas is to
my daughter, and the final closing on the year. This year, though,
my December was enhanced when Eric and I made the outing to go see
Django Unchained. We
were running a bit early for the showing and stopped off at a nearby
alehouse to have a pre-viewing beer. Experience instantly enhanced.
There's
a lot of hate out there for Tarantino, even amongst you, dear
readers, I'm sure. Even as we sat sipping our beverages, a fellow
down the bar commented on how Quentin had “lost his touch” and
“hadn't made a good movie in years.” I'm sorry, but are we all
watching the same films? I think Tarantino has a certain knack for
film-making. He writes dialogue that is believable and true; it
flows like a real conversation would and is therefore stronger than
other films. He has never made a bad casting call; even the
no-name's or most unlikely of candidates seem to shine under his
direction. His soundtracks own – you can't fail with Ennio
Morricone on your side. I'm not saying the guy is perfection, or
that he is untouchable, but he is pretty fucking good, so give him
some credit.
Django
takes place two years before the Civil War, when slave-trading and
racism were rampant and encouraged (read: lots of derogatory slang.
LOTS.). It's a fucked up world we're looking at, and I'm glad I
wasn't born 100 years prior. Wearing a Sunday dress on Wednesday
ain't exactly my thing. Anyway, the premise here is that Django is a
slave, and a bounty hunter purchases him from some traders in order
to track down a particular set of bounties. They end up becoming
partners and close companions in the following events. I'm trying
not to spoil anything, so I'll keep this brief.
The
sets for the “cities” are amazing, reminding me straight up of
some Red Dead Redemption
type shit, with the wood constructed shoddy “buildings” looking
as if a nice strong breeze would destroy a township. The overlying
world is also amazing and reeks strongly of Old West. I know there
are still places out there that aren't sullied with modern life, but
it's awesome how slapping someone into those settings with the right
wardrobe really makes it feel like an alien place and time.
As
said before, Tarantino does not make bad casting calls. So, when it
was announced that Foxx would be taking the title role and people
started their bitching, I became confused. I can't say I like or
don't like Jamie Foxx prior to this film because I am not familiar
with his resume. However, he is totally awesome in this role, not
missing a step as his character transforms throughout the movie.
Christoph Waltz is a show-stealer yet again, and I am completely awed
and frantic to see him do more. He has this weird charm about him;
even when he was “The Jew Hunter” in Inglorious
Basterds I loved the guy.
DiCaprio plays a real asshole, Sam Jackson puts in his token
appearance, and the slew of supporting cast is, as always, spot on.
The
gun action in this flick is pretty badass, and there is some pretty
righteous gore to be seen also. Some pretty heavy and awesome gore.
Like, blood spattered walls. And floors. And ceilings. There is one
scene in particular that comes to mind as especially gruesome. I can
take gore and violence in movies with no problem, but the act
committed in this one spot is a bit of a gut-punch, a la the intro to
Wake Wood. That may
just be a personal opinion though.
I've
hit a wall, as there is not much more I can get into without
divulging specific plot points or scenes, and I don't want to be a
douche and ruin a movie that a lot of people haven't had a chance to
see yet. So, get off your keisters if you haven't already and check
this shit out.
So,
there it is boils and ghouls, my apology post to you all. If you
stuck around this long than thanks. Maybe I'm not just doing this
shit for my own kicks.
-Brandy Serra
