“My God
in Heaven, that’s the Biggest Grizzly Bear on Earth!” or “The Wolverine”
I’m the best
there is at what I do, but what I do is:
Serve the Public Trust. Protect the Innocent. Uphold the Law.
Serve the Public Trust. Protect the Innocent. Uphold the Law.
I wanna start out by saying how
happy I am that BroboCop is literally Back Online & Back On Duty after his
hiatus. I missed him like the deserts miss the rain…. So, now that he’s back,
I’m also back. I don't know what to say. I just... I got excited. I just wanted
to shout it from on top of a mountain. But I didn't have a mountain; I had a
newsroom and a camera. Look. I report the news. That's what I do. And today's
top story, in Ron Burgundy's world, read something like this: I love Eric King.
I mean… so how about “The Wolverine”, eh?
S P O I L E R A L
E R T
OK
Young’ns, before we get started, I warn you that this article contains
approximately 58,000
SPOLIERS, so be aware and don’t blame THE GROCKLE…
Actually, there may not be that many spoilers, but 58,000 is one
of my favorite numbers…
Alright, let’s begin. I don’t wanna regurgitate the entire
movie and plot and so forth, so I’ma just hit the points I found particularly
good or bad. We’re all adults here and if we don’t know that this movie is
about Logan and his Japanese-Saga by now, then we should probably
self-terminate right… about… NOW! Wolverine,
in the midst of a mid-life crisis, pays a visit to an old comrade in Japan and
finds himself in the midst of a power struggle.
I admit that this storyline and character lineage and
relation to one another from the comics (and this film) are about as clear to
me as the rest of Wolverine’s past and/or a fish bowl full of poo-dookie. I
hope to fully wrap my head around it as we go.
Wrought with terrible dreams and
hallucinations of his lost love Jean Grey and flashbacks, Logan’s journey in
this film boasts a semi-sorta non-linear storyline. Tarantino would be proud. It’s not overly
jumpy-back-and-forthy, but it does a bit.
The Wolverine’s
all about a guy with a big…
OK, let’s get started. We begin our
story at Nagasaki where a pre-adamantium Logan is being held prisoner about 300
yards from where the bomb went off that created Godzilla…
Nnnnaaaaaaoooooooooooooooois-bad!
Oh poop…
It is also here that Logan meets
Yashida (the old comrade) – this will be good to remember…
RUN
AWAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!!
Then poor Logan wakes up from a dream within a dream within
in a dream (to the point where Freddy Krueger got incepted) and finds Jean
Grey. I’ve not figured out if she’s truly haunting him (of which I’m sure she’s
entirely capable as The Phoenix) or if she’s serving as a representation of his
guilt over his past, especially in regards to her, and/or a Jiminy Cricket
figure…
I just can't get you out of my head, Boy
your loving is all I think about!
HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wolverine then wakes up looking like Rob Zombie and our
story begins…
QUE?!
In the present day, Logan
lives as a Rob-Zombie look-alike hermit in the Yukon. When the batteries of his
archaic radio die, he treks down the mountain into town to grab new ones when
he encounters…
The. BIGGEST. CGI Grizzly. On. Earth.
The. BIGGEST. CGI Grizzly. On. Earth.
SERIOUSLY?!?!?! DO THEY EVEN MAKE BEARS
THAT BIG?!
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYY SEXY
GRIZZLY!!!!!
So, of course, the grizzly soon gets mortally wounded and
Logan has to show it compassion by impaling it in the throat with his claws…
He then treks back into town to take revenge on the ones who
injured the bear. There’s a nice Steven-Segal throwback scene in the bar where
Logan destroys everyone in the bar…
It’s then that he is located by Yukio, a mutant with precognitive ability to foresee people's deaths, on behalf of Yashida, now the CEO of a technology corporation. Yashida, who is dying of cancer, wants Logan to accompany Yukio to Japan so that he man repay his life debt (or so we are meant to believe).
It’s then that he is located by Yukio, a mutant with precognitive ability to foresee people's deaths, on behalf of Yashida, now the CEO of a technology corporation. Yashida, who is dying of cancer, wants Logan to accompany Yukio to Japan so that he man repay his life debt (or so we are meant to believe).
In Tokyo, Logan meets Yashida's son, Shingen.
Me hate you long time…
He also meets Shingen’s daughter, Mariko.
There, Yashida offers to transfer Logan's healing abilities
into his own body, thus saving Yashida's life and alleviating Logan of his immortality,
which Logan views as a curse. Logan refuses and prepares to leave the following
day.
Logan-San, for over 60 years, Sealy Posturepedic has been
an American classic built on the foundation of delivering the comfort you want
and the support you can trust. Also, please give me your healing powers.
That night, Yashida's doctor Viper introduces something into
Logan's body, but Logan dismisses it as a dream.
It turns out to look vaguely familiar…
The Matrix bug makes Logan somewhat vulnerable to attack by
somehow suppressing his healing factor, but he soon digs it out. It’s
interesting watching Logan be vulnerable. Obviously he’s not used to that
sensation and Jackman does a good job portraying that. Even with his reduced
abilities, Logan seems to be tougher than the average man as he takes these
beatings.
During Logan’s bug-removal, Shingen attacks Logan and Yukio,
nearly killing them both. At the same
time, Mariko is kidnapped and whisked away to the Silver Samurai’s lair.
Logan willingly throws himself into the trap to save her…
Do I have to say it?...
S P O I L E R A L
E R T
And it comes to pass that Yashida has built the Silver Samurai
machine out of Adamantium as a mech-suit to keep himself alive and extract
Logan’s DNA to make himself immortal. I thought for a bit that it would have
been Shingen because he’s a turd, but oh well…
So, basically Wolverine saves the day and wins the girl.
Sort of a happy ending for a Wolverine flick. Hey, Logan can be happy too
sometimes, even if it is for 5 minutes…
RECAP:
RECAP:
The Wolverine is a fun little movie. The fast paced action makes up for the lack of battle damage gore one might expect. The fight scenes are still somewhat visceral IMO. I didn’t miss the flying limbs all that much. There’s a lot of comedy in this film but I feel it’s well done and properly balanced within the overall emotional setting of the film.
Don’t get too overwhelmed in The Wolverine’s adherence to
the comics because you will just get confused and/or possibly disappointed.
Just go back and watch the cartoons from the 90’s GAIJIN!
Oh and Logan drops the “F” Bomb a few times…
Be sure and stick around for a mid-credit moment of
awesomeness.
I’m sure I've left some stuff out but that’s the point. Go
watch the movie for yourself and tell us what you think…
I have nothing else funny to say, so….. yeah, I’m done.
I leave you with this:
-Frank
