Wizards And Worriers: That Time of the Month: The Top 13 Deaths in the Friday the 13th Franchise

-Brandy Serra-

Well, it’s been quite some time since we had That Time of The Month over here at 'Back Online. Back On Duty.' I've been struggling to get Back Online myself, ever since Brobocop resurrected the blog. I've had so many ideas since July, but they seem to keep getting pushed back, or I end up becoming too busy to pay my ideas the proper attention I would like to give them. Finally, I had a short work hiatus that allowed me to properly delve into something; so, here it is, just in time:

The Top 13 Deaths in Friday the 13^th

Before we get this show on the road, I’d like to state that this was NOT an easy list for me to compile. I’m using this space to stop most people from getting up-in-arms about my chosen kills. I had a certain criteria in mind while selecting kills that would even be eligible for the list. My first criteria was that it would have to be from movies 1 through 8, simply because things get so ridiculous from there on out that I could make a Top 13 just from the movies following 8. Also, I wanted to keep it kind of “OG”, since this is my first Ft13th post, and these were my (and likely, most of your) first exposures to the series. Secondly, I wanted the kills that made the list to be over-the-top, gruesome, or outstanding in some way. We all know, as fans, that horror franchises tend to stick to what is known, and ideas are often recycled. Also, Paramount did not care very much about preserving the original footage, so a lot of what could be awesome kills (ie. Dr. Crews death) were lost on the cutting room floor to never be viewed in their full glory (especially not in HD). Scenes with cut-away/insinuated deaths and/or bodies that were later discovered in much more grisly detail had to be left off of this list simply because they did not pack the punch I was looking for. This particular list is looking for the unflinching, the unyielding, and the disgusting gore that we can’t wait to endure. That all being said, this list was originally a list of 20+ death scenes that I had to painstakingly whittle down to 13, and then rank them from my favorite on down. Also, let’s keep in mind, boys and ghouls, that this is my list. So, with all of those prerequisites out of the way, let’s get on with the body count…

#13 – Tractor Harrows Impalement – Roy
Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning

As if this movie didn't hint around enough at Roy being a total weirdy – “I’m sorry, chief, were you talking to me?” “No, worthless background character that is given too much focus, I wasn't.” The death Roy is given is pretty epic. The guy takes a bulldozer to the chest, a chainsaw to the arm, and a knife to the thigh before the climax of his undoing. Tommy hacks his hand with a machete, causing him to fall from the barn rafters onto some tractor harrows, impaling him and conveniently splitting his mask off and prosthetics open to see – gasp – Roy is the killer! Still, his body bouncing on those spikes is uber-satisfying and grotesque.

#12 – Spear Through The Throat – Jack
Friday the 13th

This was the first death in the series that truly paved the way for many death scenes afterwards. There is hardly a Friday sequel that neglects to pay homage to Jack’s death – a character is always being stabbed through another object with a sharp tool ultimately causing their demise. However, none of the sequels truly nab the majesty that is captured in the Baconator’s death scene. I mean, not only does that extremely effeminate hand pop up outta nowhere, but the special effects involved in the spear jabbing through his esophagus and the subsequent blood fountain that almost gushes into his mouth create a true wonder to behold – especially in its time – but, these are the kinds of “tricks” that stand the test of time.

#11 – Flying Ax Through The Door – Sara
Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter

I find this scene particularly enchanting because, for one, I really liked Sara. She seemed a sweet, innocent girl. Unfortunately, Jason didn't agree, and displays his dissatisfaction with his ax-chucking skills. I mean, the door is solid wood, he can’t even possibly see her. His only hint to her location is her jiggling the doorknob to try and escape the house. Yet, he still manages to peg her square in the middle of her chest with a flying ax, whose trajectory isn't even affected by splintering the door into shards. That’s skill.

#10 – Sleeping Bag Death Burrito – Judy
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood

This poor girl is just trying to get her swerve on and stay warm in the woods with her inept boyfriend, Dan. She needs WOOD, Dan, take a hint! Waiting for her incompetent boyfriend to return, she is subjected to Jason’s will, and after being dragged around in a sleeping bag, gets her brains smashed out against a gigantic tree trunk. This is truly tragic, because she finally gets some wood, though I doubt that it is exactly what she had in mind.

#09 – Toxic Barrel Drowning – McCulloch
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

This jerk-face is easily one of the most hate-able characters in Ft13th history. Man, we thought Dr. Crews was bad. They had to one-up him, of course, with this miserable excuse for existence. McCulloch not only tries to drown his niece, but taunts her by claiming Jason is going to get her. How apropos that Jason drowns him. In a toxic waste barrel. Head-first into a dead rat. To further cement what a disgusting ass this guy is, when Jason is done drowning him, he slams his legs into a nearby brick wall. Justice is served.

#08 – Face To The Wall, Through The Wall, Beyond The Wall – Nikki
Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives

This poor sap is getting strangled by Jason while her one-night-stand thinks she is taking a dump or self-satisfying or something. Cort is completely useless, anyway. Her struggling against Voorhees is a losing battle, and her face is forever imprinted into the side of the Winnebago to pay tribute to it. At least it is for all of five minutes, until Cort gets stabbed in the ear and crashes the RV on its side, destroying Jason’s found art. Booooo!

#07 – Boxing Match vs. Jason – Julius
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

This chump thinks that because he’s undefeated he might stand a fighting chance against a guy that won’t die. Jason proves him wrong with the only punch he throws in the entire fight, knocking his head right off his shoulders. Getting punched by Jason anywhere would completely suck, but to have him literally punch your head off, that’s a whole other level of suckery. Also, the way Julius’s disembodied head bounces down the roof and goes tumbling into the dumpster is truly a staple in cinematic history.

#06 – Corkscrewed Hand, Butchered Face – Jimmy
Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter

The guy just wanted to celebrate his victory in the lady department, but can’t seem to find the corkscrew. Teddy, where is the corkscrew!? Oh, never mind, I found it. He turns to thank the kind soul who found the corkscrew for him and gets a knife to the face instead. How rude.

#05 – Handwalking Split In Half – Andy
Friday the 13th Part III

The first time I saw Andy walking on his hands, I thought “wow, what a douche.” It came across to me as one of those guys who has to show off non-stop. So, as he’s “walking” down the hallway to go get the beers, and Jason pops in on him, I understood the need to showcase Andy’s talent earlier. Anyway, this death is amazing. Seeing Jason fully cocked-back with the machete and then bringing it in and absolutely destroying Andy and crumpling his body is my favorite moment in the entire movie. They take it a step beyond by ruining issue #1 of Fangoria with the blood dripping out of his mouth from the rafters.

#04 – Heart-Ripping – Hawes
Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives

I really feel bad for Hawes, the poor bastard. He gets talked into going out to a cemetery to watch his buddy Tommy incinerate Jason’s corpse – y’know, for closure and junk. A thunderstorm starts moving in and Hawes gets spooked, practically begging Tommy to get out of there. Then they accidentally resurrect Jason, Frankenstein-style. Hawes tries to save his buddy by running full speed at Jason’s back and absolutely smashing him over the head with a shovel, which doesn’t even cause him to flinch. He repays the kindness by punching straight through the guy’s chest and out of his back, ripping his heart out in the process.

#03 – Machete to the Face – Mark
Friday the 13th Part II

This is the greatest death in part 2. Mark makes one of the biggest horror movie mistakes by going outside in the dark alone to search for the cause of a noise. He gets paid the price of a machete to the face. I mean, this goes above and beyond other machete to the face deaths because that blade is REALLY in there. To add insult to injury, his wheelchair falls backwards down two flights of stairs. The majesty of his now entirely limp body (not just his legs anymore) bouncing down that long stone staircase is ace. It’s so supreme that it’s in all of the subsequent films’ opening sequences that show footage of previous entries. It’s a shame they cut away before he hits the bottom.

#02 – Machete Beheading – Mrs. Voorhees
Friday the 13th

The entire chase/fight scene that leads up to this climax is so choice. Mrs. Voorhees looks truly maniacal, and poor Alice is just trying to get away for most of it. My favorite part of the lead up sequence is Pamela on Alice’s back, during the beach struggle, and she grabs a handful of Alice’s hair and jerks her head around a bunch, looking absolutely insane. The slow-mo run up of Alice wielding the machete, the decapitation, and the (dude) hands raising up for the non-existent head are all on point.

#01 – Machete to the Face & Slide Down the Blade – Jason
Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter

At first I thought man, it would take a lot of strength for a kid to hit Jason so hard in the face that the machete sinks all the way through to his eye. But, upon review, Jason’s head does look kinda mushy in this flick so it’s probably not on the same level of a normal head. Of course we can’t let the killer die that easily, so he falls face first to the floor, where the hilt of the machete hits the floor, pushing it deeper into his skull as his face slides all the way down the blade. Then Tommy goes all cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and retrieves the machete to hack into Jason. It is so gnarly and satisfying to watch it unfold.

There we have it, my top 13 deaths. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did “researching” (read: binge-watching all 8 in two days) and writing it. Now, what list would be complete without honorable mentions? I've selected one from each of the films, for your viewing pleasure.