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Alone in the Dark (2005)
Written by: Jesse Gable
Christian Slater. Born: August 18, 1769. I know this may seem impossible but allow me to give you a quick history lesson on Mr. Slater. You see Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter? That movie is really just a historical account of Christian Slater’s activity during that time period, they just used Abe Lincoln’s image in that story to throw the present day populace off the scent. You see, back in those days he was known as the Christian SLAYER: killing demons/vampires/werewolves/lesbians and all matter of nightmare involking creatures for the Vatican . In return, they granted him immunity from death. If it were not for his Kicking Ass for the Lord, none of us would exist today. But like all great Slayers, he eventually killed them all. Sometime in the late 70’s he was forced to change his name to Slater and start a new career: making movies retelling some of his greatest battles.
Alone in the Dark is one such story. This happened. It is real. And who else better to tell that story than a certified Doctor. Dr. Uwe Boll.
I have watched this movie at least a half a dozen times. If you were to ask me what it’s about, all I can really give as an answer is…someone put a huge pile of bat guano and huge guns into a blender, the end result is the masterpiece known as Alone in the Dark.
I’ll give you a rundown: It starts off with some really long and hard to follow scrolling dialogue. The second it finishes, you completely forget what it said. Then it opens with an action sequence, followed by some stupid mystery, then some monsters show up, then there’s some science, then there’s some bigger action sequences, then they go underground, then they find more monsters, and it ends.
This movie really hates orphan kids. Like really really hates them for no really decent reason. A long time ago a bunch went missing and by the end of the movie you discover that they were taken, experimented on, implanted with a horrible symbiotic creature, and when they are “activated” they run around like zombies. That’s just such an awful thing. Thumbs up to you Dr. Boll, you know what your audience wants: really offensive material.
And Tara Reid as a scientist. (The glasses give it away.) You know, we were having a long drawn out, partially intoxicated conversation on Facebook a couple weeks back about Tara Reid. I like her. She’s cute, she’s got nice fake tits, and I honestly think that she is one of the few actresses out there if I were take a run at her, I could probably score with her. I’m a total sucker for Tara . That movie Vipers she did where she runs around kicking snakes’ ass with science, fucking love that movie.
Anyway, she blows up the screen in this movie. Running around in tight clothes and shouting inane dialogue. I looked up her pre-Alone in the Dark IMDb score and it averaged out to about 5.8. Her POST-AitD score: 3.9. God, this movie ruined her “career”. (or made it better?) Blockbuster is even embarrassed to show her face:
Stephen Dorff even shows up. You see The Gate? He was like 10 in that movie. Greatest Movie ever. Between that and this movie, his career was pretty terrible. Blade, notwithstanding. But this movie, he really brings the Dorff. I’ve never seen anyone shout quite as much as that man.
Ah, I’ve been leaving the best for last. The man we’ve all been brought here to praise: Christian Slater. When I was first approached to contribute to Slaterocalypse, my first instinct was Hard Rain. (I really wanted to see “WE JUST WANT THE MONEY!” in HD) but then I thought some more and wanted to revisit a movie I hadn’t seen in awhile. So I went with Mindhunters. Mostly because I wanted to review his ass. I watched it and there’s only about 5 minutes of Slater greatness in that movie. His ass, his sex scene, and then his awesome liquid nitrogen shattering death. So I figured I’d better find a movie he has a bit more screen time in: Alone in the Dark.
You haven’t seen acting until you’ve seen Alone in the Dark. He delivered lines about being-electrocuted-as-a-kid-and-now-able-to-not-be-controlled-by-mind-controlling-zombie-slugs with such fierce conviction that you almost forget how much bullshit the whole thing is. How that man kept a straight face listening to Tara ’s science is a feat no man could possibly bare.
Slater also kills like 500 monsters with Woo guns. That’s fucking epic.
Alone in the Dark is a mess of a movie. It’s awesome, it’s bad, it’s everything inbetween. You’ll hate yourself for watching it and then be drastically drawn back to it months later. It takes repeat viewings to follow what little story there is. So you’ll watch it again, this time with friends and alcohol and it won’t seem all that bad. So you’ll buy one of the 300 copies for $2 at the shady pawn shop down the street. You’ll love it, cherish it, display it proudly on your mantle of movies sandwiched between Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold and American Ninja 4: The Annihilation. You’ll enjoy the action, LOVE the dialogue, and bang your head to the ripping Nuclear Blast soundtrack. Why? Because Christian Slater is in this and there’s no way anything that has Christian Slater in it can be that bad.
