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| Design By Frank Browning |
Gleaming the Cube
Writer: Tromeric of Guts and Grog
When Brobo asked me to be a part of Slaterocalypse I had many feelings. I was honored and excited and when he asked me to do "Gleaming the Cube" my boner grew to epic proportions, well epic proportions for a sea monkey. This movie is in my blood and has been for a Christ age. I am going to break this down into three categories, although just saying that makes me kind of wish Gleaming the Cube was a "Category three" movie. I mean it is full of Asians but there is not nearly enough insane violence and rape for it to fit along the likes of "Red to Kill" or "The Untold Story." Never mind that is just the whiskey talking. Lets get on this like A Dave Mathews fan on his friends passed out butt hole.
The History
Greame Clifford established himself as an editor of many films most notably would be "The Rocky Horror Picture Show," Don't Look Now," and mother fucking "Convoy" which is my favorite film based off of a C.W. McCall song ever. He then went onto direct a couple films and some television. In 1989 he took on the project that would give all the little skater kids of the eighties and teenage girls huge rocking boners. You're goddam right I mean "Gleaming the Cube." Stacy Peralta who you may remember as one of the O.G's of the skate scene and one of the "Z Boys" is hired on as technical adviser and second unit director as Clifford's Australian ass would probably last as long on a skateboard as I would in bed with Linnea Quigley. Peralta assembled the Bones Brigade (the original skate team, not the sweet skate punk band) and set out to help bring in one of the main characters in the film, skateboarding. Mike McGill, Mark "Gator" Rogowski (prior to his rape and murder conviction), Rodney Mullen, Rich Dunlop, Lance Mountain, and Mike Vallely all joined Tony Hawk and Tommy Guerrero who also had speaking roles in the film. This was rounded out with Christian Slater who was coming off two of his best roles that same year "Heathers" and "The Wizard." Slater wasn't a skater as he was too busy watching old Jack Nicholson films. He came in and was given lessons so he could look natural while he was on camera. "Gleaming the Cube" wasn't a huge hit by any means but once it hit video every little punk kid including myself would rent it repeatedly and attempt to look that bad ass.
My History
When "Gleaming the Cube" first came to my attention I was blown away. I was probably ten years old and would buy and read "Thrasher" more than Slater was snorting lines off unwilling girls asses. I grew up a BMX kid. I taught myself to ride using only a bike my dad found in a dump -where I assume he was sleeping off the night before- and a giant hill. Daily I would crash and burn, head inside and get my wounds bandaged and walk my bleeding ass up the hill and try again. I finally got it and went on to compete in many a race and even snag a few trophies. "Rad" was bible and Cru Jones my savior. The reason I bring this up is while I was first and foremost a BMX kid skateboarding also owned me. I would watch skate competitions with the likes of Tony Hawk and such but could never quite get it to the level of these maniacs I saw in "Thrasher." I tried and tried and when I wasn't gleaming my cube to Joey and the nurse's scene in "Dream Warriors" I was watching "Gleaming the Cube" and it inspired me to try even harder.
At the time I lived in a duplex in this tiny shit town in Washington state and there was a high school across the street that had this massive hill of death. I would go over there and attempt to ride down it and usually just freak out, bail and have to chase my skateboard to the bottom. I even tried to teach Steph Infection how to ride on that hill when she was like six. My mom was less than excited when her six year old daughter would return looking like Tina from "A Nightmare on Elm Street." I continued to try and be as bad ass as Brian Kelly but never achieved it. I later had my bike stolen, was severely injured and gained more weight than Kirstie Alley. This of course put a damper on my extreme sports intake and I moved on while still always revisiting these films.
Jump ahead ten years and I moved to Richland, WA. I thought I had a house but turned out I was ripped off. A good friend of mine offered me his childhood fort to live. It was in his parents backyard. I was curious to say the least. He kept referring to it as "the doghouse." This frightened me and intrigued me all at the same time. He asked me if I had seen "Gleaming the Cube" which I of course laughed and let him know it was my bible with less sacrifice. He told me when he was a kid he saw the movie and it made him want an underground fort. He with the help of the coolest parents ever dug a huge hole in his backyard, bought a old Chi-Mo van, gutted it and covered it with shag carpet ceiling to floor. They put up supports, ran electricity and covered that shit like Gator covered his friend's body at the beach. They then dropped a ladder in the whole and covered it with doghouse, yeah a mother fucking doghouse. So when I get there we climb into a doghouse, which confused me and made me think I was in that episode of "A Pup named Scooby Doo." When we climb in I see a ladder so I climb down and I am in a mother fucking van, six feet under. My mind was blown and I agreed to stay there. I spent eight months there. I had a surround system, piles of movies, records and books and I would just lay down there for days watching movies and drinking grog. It was heaven. It is also one of the many reasons "Gleaming the Cube" has such a huge place in my heart.
The Review
The film starts off at John Wayne airport and an epic title song is performed by James House. We are instantly introduced to the gang of misfits thrashing and doing all kinds of things that would not even be a possibility in our post 9/11 world. They get a pilot to take them up "Suicidal Tendencies" hat and all so they can scope out a prime pool to skate. They spot it and we jump to them having some epic pool time. Shit goes down and the cops are called including Scarface's best friend. Brian Kelly brilliantly portrayed by Slater has to now face his parents who as foretold by the fresh prince just don't understand. They are angry and take him home where we meet his adopted Vietnamese brother Vinh who is more of a square and you catch on really quick that Slater might as well be the adopted kid in this house.
Vinh is at work and he starts figuring shit out. There are some shenanigans going on so he starts to investigate. I have to point out that every time he goes into deep thought mode they play the most racist, stereotypical Asian music you can imagine. Vinh and Brian have some discussions and Slater tells the future with his brilliant deductions that smoking causes cancer and in thirty years there will be a 7-11 on every corner. Fuck you Nostradamus, I will follow Slater's teachings. Anyways, Vinh goes off to investigate more and gets in over his head and ends up in a hotel room looking like Ian Curtis. We now see Brian questioning how is brother died so he starts investigating. It is supposedly a suicide but Slater knows better. The thing is no one believes him so he goes and anger skates and decides to sell out. He finds a sweater, junks his skateboard and starts pulling some straight up "Twin Peaks" shit by moving in on his dead brothers girl. He of course learns a few things and then has to go back to skating to pursue his vengeance. He gets the Bones Brigade together and along with Buddy Joe Hooker and Manny Ribera takes on the Asian Texas gladiators in what still goes down in history as one of the most epic chase scenes on a skateboard.
"Gleaming the Cube" is not perfect and by today's standards is laughable at points. It does however work on many levels. There are some excellent scenes of action and despair and the cast is pretty well rounded and interesting. The soundtrack is full of eighties awesome and you walk away feeling like you can accomplish anything. In the end it is the best skateboarding action adventure motivational video out there.
Skate or Die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Tromeric
