Writers: Frank Browning & Sarah Lockard Browning
I wanna thank my good friend Eric King
aka RoboCop’s Sad Side aka Back Online, Back On Duty for giving me
this tremendous opportunity! Not only did he allow me to create
exclusive (and AWESOME) Slaterocalypse 2012 art for him, but he’s
also allowing me to give you fine citizens the scoop on Mobsters,
another Slater-licious piece of cinema that simply can’t be
ignored.
With that said, let’s get nasty… I
mean, let’s do this… Just read on.
WARNING: This review contains
lots of bullets, lots of gel and perfect (I mean PERFECT)
hair.
This lil’ gem came out in 1991 and
was directed by Michael Karbelnikoff. Along with Slater-Slater-
Hot-Potater, this movie stars an almost unbelievably awesome and
diverse cast. So awesome and diverse, in fact, that I wanna spend
some time on them before we get to the plot and such.
Christian Slater heads up the cast as
Charlie “Lucky” Luciano. You might remember Slater from a few,
little-known films, such as True Romance, Robin Hood:
Prince of Thieves, Interview with a Vampire, and so on.
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”I'm trying not to
put myself into anything I'm not 100 percent confident about.”
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Our first costar is Patrick Dempsey
from whatever the hell that hospital show’s called about anatomy
and the Disney Blockbuster Enchanted (which was banned in 38
countries and remains on the Video Nasties List). Dempsey plays Meyer Lansky in
this flick.
Other notable credits include:
Meatballs 3: Summer Job, Scream
3, and The Stuff (uncredited)
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“Have you seen my
sthethascometer?”
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Next up, we have Richard Grieco of 21
Jump Street fame who more recently has become well known for his
Mixed Martial Arts training centers across northern Italy and parts
of South America. Grieco plays the part of Bugsy
Siegel in our movie in question.
Other notable credits include:
A Night at the Roxbury, Kiss
Kiss Bang Bang (uncredited), and Cats
Dancing on Jupiter
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“So, I’m totally
not a cop, fellow student… Where might I find some drugs?”
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Other notable credits include:
Virtuosity, Dinocroc, and
The Cursed
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“MMMPPPRHHH…
MPPHRRRPPPHHHMM!!!!!!”
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In addition, we have Rodney “Joey
from Nightmares 3 & 4” Eastman as; you guessed it, Joey. He doesn’t have any life-ending wet
dreams in this film, but he does manage to get his @$$ shanked to
death in the first 3.5 minutes.
Other notable credits include:
Chopping Mall (uncredited)
and I Spit on Your Grave (Remake)
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“………………..”
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Finally, before you get bored, I’ll
give the honorable mentions, and we’ll be on our way.
Lara Flynn Boyle of MIB 2 fame
plays Mara Motes.
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“Who needs a witty
caption when you have nice jugs?”
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Professor Dumbledore (Michael Gambon) plays Don Salvatore Faranzano.
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“Fortuna Ma…..
Fortuna….. Forgeddabouddettt!!!”
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Maniac Cop (Robert Z’Dar)
makes an appearance as Rocco.
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“HUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!…”
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And lastly, we have Nice Guy Eddie
(Chris Penn) as Tommy Reina.
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“Why don’t you tell
me what really
happened?!”
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OK, so maybe there are a few more
people, but we don’t care. You’ll see them when you watch the
flick.
Now, IMDB would have you believe that
this film is “The story of a group of friends in turn of the
century New York, from their early days as street hoods to their rise
in the world of organized crime.” What I’m here to tell you is
it’s the TALE of a group of BUDDIES in turn of the
century New York….
Seriously, all jokes aside, Mobsters
is a kick-@$$ flick about four guys coming up in the world of the
Mafia and their struggles against the older ruling class. I don’t know if it was the action or
the hair gel, but I was glued to my seat from the beginning. Side note: what the #@*% did they use
for hair gel back then anyway, olive oil?! Oh, well. Moving on.
Our story starts in 1917 New York
during prohibition. Even the first five minutes are full of action
with Lucky Luciano’s (Slater) parents both get sexually molested by
Don Salvatore Faranzano (Gambon), and Joey’s previously noted
shanking.
As two Italian and two Jewish (albeit
unlikely) heroes, Luciano, Meyer Lansky, Bugsy Siegel, and Frank
Costello are trying to come up in the old world and make a name for
themselves. The friends tire of being nobodies and decide to make
their own moves.
Luciano and Lansky are the brains of
the operation, while Costello and Siegel provide the muscle. The town
is run by two older ruling classes, with Faranzano (Gambon) and Don
Giuseppe Masseria (Anthony Quinn) as their bosses. So, the fearsome
foursome starts out by going to each family (think Bruce Willis in
Last Man Standing) to see where the best deal lies.
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”WHAT?! NO PRICE
MATCH?!”
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During this process, Tommy Reina
double-crosses Luciano. Then, Faranzano ends up cutting Luciano’s
face up (a la Reservoir Dogs), and he ends up lookin’ like
the hooker on Unforgiven.
In order to free up space to take over,
they decide to pit the bosses against each other. By killing Reina,
they start a war, and the bloody, bullet-filled montage madness
begins!
However, the Mafioso moguls are
uncannily terrible at killing each other, so the four amigos have to
come up with a new plan. By lying their @$$es off and with a little
mobster miracle juice, they throw a new plan into motion. It’s way
too complicated for me to explain, but it has lots of bullets and
pasta in it.
With Masseria finally on ice with a
stomach full of alfredo, Luciano takes his place as the head of one
of the five families headed up by Faranzano. But, it’s an uneasy
alliance. The guys then start to plan on how to whack Faranzano.
Meanwhile, Faranzano attempts to have Luciano killed. The hitman
inadvertently greases Luciano’s girl, and all hell breaks loose.
Under the guise of the IRS, our heroes infiltrate Faranzano’s
office and drop his @$$ out a window. He leaves a pretty raunchy
stain on the street.
After Faranzano’s death, Luciano
brings the heads of the five families together for a meeting and
becomes CEO of the Mafia.
THE END.
P.S. I realize I left out a TON of
details and plot points, but that’s why you folks need to watch the
movie for yourselves and enjoy all the greasy and glorious details.
So, I’m going to give Back Online.
Back On Duty one last big “Thank You” and urge any of you who
haven’t seen Mobsters to give it a gander.
Thanks again so much to you, Mr. Browning! I also want to thank Mrs. Sarah Browning for collaborating on this article with her husband. I appreciate you jumping in on the write-ups and Frank I can't even describe how stoked I am about all your banner designs. You absolutely rule!
