Image by Frank Browning
Lucio Fulci's Conquest
By: James Harris
Blogger: Dr. Terror's Blog of Horrors
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When I was a kid I watched the
Beastmaster. My dad taped it off TV and I got to watch it day in and
day out off a fairly horrible copy complete with commercials. I think
I actually remember the commercials as part of the movie. I don’t
even fully know if the movie I watched was uncut, cut or a commercial
for loin clothes. Be that as it may, I love the movie… we are NOT
here to talk about the Beastmaster. We ARE here to talk about Lucio
Fulci’s Conquest which is sure to disappoint more than a few of
you. It’s not a fan favorite although there are a few debauched,
masochistic souls like myself who are entranced by it. We love how
bad it is for comedy. We are shocked by its raw sex appeal. We love
soft focus… LOVE IT!!! Some of us even consider it a “good
movie”. I assure you we have been eating the paint chips lovingly
scraped from our nursery walls again. For those of you who haven’t
seen it I can tell you right now, without a doubt in my mind that you
DON’T LIKE IT. So don’t go saying I recommended you watch it.
Don’t go saying that anyone recommended it to you period except
maybe Blue Underground who put the thing on DVD for which those of us
who adore it are truly grateful.
We opened up with The Beastmaster and I
worked my way around to Conquest. Well it’s not by accident. They
share a subgenre of that is near and dear to the 80’s action set,
most specifically the sword and sandal crew. These are films
featuring men with swords. Men with loin clothes. Men man-handling
women. Sorcery. Killing with broad swords too heavy to be wielded by
today’s fan boy crowd.. The sword and sandal subset starts around
Conan the Barbarian and continues to this day in some variation
whether it is 300 or your latest gladiator epic. The production value
and story lines are one step above professional wrestling (which I
can assure you is not meant to disrespect professional wrestling).
You know that term “epic’ that all the cool kids are throwing
around these days? Well, you might as well look here to see an
example of what epic truly is. For more on the sword and sandal
subgenre drop your pants, throw a dish towel around your waste and
attack the washing machine with a broom.
Conquest. Soft Focus. Action.
Adventure. Sexy woman with a gold mask and no top on. Magic. Beast
Master rip off? What’s this movie about? What’s any movie of
this type about? A young man tries to battle the forces of evil
alongside his friend and encounters monsters, magicians and an evil
witch who try and rule the world. Only our young hero can defeat the
evil witch (played by Sabrina Siani… meow). It’s the same story
that you've heard since you were a kid. It’s like X rated He-Man
with bigger tits (or at least less animated tits). If you’re gonna
love anything about this it’s not going to be its original, white
knuckle story line. You’re gonna love it because it’s visually
stunning in a way that is characteristically 80’s and
unapologetically Italian.
There’s no Stan Winston here fellas.
Harryhausen… was not available. These effects are the cheese on
your Monte Cristo sandwich, but damn that cheese is tasty. Look at
the beautiful blue, glowing bow and arrow? Look at these creature
creations. Look at that… gold mask. Look at that decapitated head.
These kind of effects are why you love the 80’s and make you long
for movies like Hercules in the Haunted World.
I think the formula goes something like
this… hotties + cheesy effects + soft focus – original plot +
talented director known for his gore = cult classic appreciated by
little boys with filthy brains in thirty year old bodies. You know
what the real mystery is? Finding this thing on 35mm so that you can
appreciate it on the big screen properly. Sure Blue Underground gave
us an uncut release that is complete with all the goodies we dorks of
the horror world could possibly want, but every so often we want
MORE! We want original prints and big screens and popcorn and popcorn
tubs with holes in the bottom. I heard a rumor that even Mr.
Tarantino himself considers this flick somewhat of the Holy Grail
when it comes to 35mm prints. Whether any of that piece of lore (the
lost film or the Tarantino Fulci-Lust) is true, it makes for a nice
story and feeds the legend of this “epic” classic. Rumors are
flying that a print has been found, that it might be screened soon.
Keep your peepers open.
Friends, enjoy the poster. Enjoy the
movie (but I’m not saying you will… I’m just being nice).
There’s plenty to stare at and it is a piece of Fulci history, so
you might as well explore his full filmography (make sure to look
that up to see what it might entail sometime Four of the
Apocalypse!). Fulci is a man of every genre. He’s done it all, and
he also did this. So there’s that. Now we return to your regular
scheduled program starring Mark Singer in the Beastmaster on grainy
VHS tape whose sound is deteriorating and who is interrupted by
commercials for Sylvania light bulbs and those damn floating people.
--
James Harris
