Image by Frank Browning
Red Scorpion
By: Tromeric
Blogger: Guts and Grog
Facebook: Guts and Grog
Growing up horror was my first love. I wanted to write it poetry and surprise it with breakfast in bed. I loved horror with all my heart, but every once in a while I needed to step out on it. Sure love is great, but sometimes you just wanna get fucked. Enter Action. Action was my mistress. Action was something that would give me an old fashioned and I wouldn't have to pretend to care about it's feelings after. It gave me what I needed when I needed it, and then I could go back to horror when I wanted more than quick release. Well, when I think of getting a hand job in a closet. I think of one man. Dolph fucking Lundgren. When Brobo asked me to pick an eighties action film to write about for "Yeah! Guns 'n Shit!" my brain instantly went to "Red Scorpion." It is the epitome of why I love action films, and It also might have something to do with the fact that I have a giant ass framed poster of it as a centerpiece to the house of grog.
"Red Scorpion" is at its core a tale of doing the right thing, Spike Lee had nothing to do with it though. Instead, it was helmed by one time porn director and the madman behind arguably two of the best slashers of all time, "Friday the 13th IV: The Final Chapter" and "The Prowler" Joseph Zito. Dolph is a Soviet killing machine sent to infiltrate a group of African extremists and keep them from finding their freedom. He does a pretty good job at this, because, well he is Dolph. The problem is, he realizes he is the bad guy so he switches teams quicker than Anne Heche. This pisses the higher ups off pretty quick so they try and kill him. They didn't take one thing into consideration though. You can't kill Dolph! He escapes and stumbles onto the set of "The Gods must be Crazy" and we get a bit of a buddy comedy portion of the film. Dolph then has a bit of an identity crisis when he starts wearing Jack Tripper shorts, gets a tattoo, and puts on corpse paint. I guess he is just trying new things. Well, he goes to help his new alliance take down the bad men. This is where shit gets epic. So much slo-mo and shit done get blowed up. I am going to jump to the conclusion that ninety seven percent of the budget went into blowing the fuck out of people. Dolph ain't taking no shit, and he will fuck you up. I don't want to spoil the ending, but I will say every movie should end with a swear word freeze frame.
While not being perfect, and not even the best of the eighties action per se, "Red Scorpion" holds up. There are points where you can see Zito's past in porn show up in some of the lighting and editing. I am not saying that you see Dolph take a shot to the face or anything, just that at points I was like " this is reminiscent of that shot from anal guzzlers seven." The score tries to be epic, but just ends up sounding like leftovers from "Airwolf," and the set design, outside of the desert which I don't think they dressed themselves, is from what I can tell all in the same room. I think it is like a closet in a school that they just redecorated for every scene. These are just minor complaints, and to be honest they barely count as that. I don't think it would of held up all these years without the flaws. This is eighties action at its best, and by best I mean shittiest, and by shittiest I mean Dolph plus explosions gives me a wicked boner.
Art by The Dude Designs
--
Tromeric
