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| Image by Frank Browning |
Gymkata
Written by: Matt House of Chuck Norris Ate My Baby
There was a point in time during the 1980s when gymnastics was so hot that somebody came to the brilliant conclusion that there just had to be a movie that featured the sport in all its glory. Of course, when you bring gymnastics to the silver screen, you simply cannot rely on some dude flipping around in spandex pants and a sequence top and think filmgoers will start flocking to theaters in droves. However, there was a logical solution to this problem: throw in some hardcore KARATE ACTION! And what happens when you mix both gymnastics and KARATE you ask?! Well, you end up with 1985's GYMKATA!
Directed by action genre great (well, save for Game of Death), Robert Clouse, Gymkata focuses on Olympic Gold gymnast, Jonathan Cabot (played by Olympic Gold gymnast, Kurt Thomas), who is enlisted by the US government to compete against the best of the best in a deadly obstacle course known simply as "The Game." Apparently, whoever wins this competition not only gets to keep their life, but they also get to make a wish. Yes, you read that correctly, the winner gets to make a wish, and the reason why the US government has sent Jonathan on such a dangerous mission is so he can hopefully win and make a wish on the government's behalf. And what does the almighty United States of America wish for most? To install a special spy satellite that will monitor other satellites in space to warn them of a possible nuclear attack. I would have went with a hover board myself, but that's just me.
Anyway, as the tagline clearly states, Jonathan will have to use "the skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate" to face an uphill battle of death and destruction, all while doing it with incredible pizzazz and flair. However, while Jonathan does have the skill of gymnastics, he lacks the kill of karate, so he must undergo intense training under the guidance of a character known as "Eastern Trainer." Now, this whole training sequence is one of the first glimpses into what kind of film Gymkata is going to be, and the moment "Eastern Trainer" is shown kicking back, doing his training thing WITH A MASSIVE HAWK ON HIS ARM, I knew I was in for a Gold medal film.
From there on out, Gymkata pretty much follows the standard action beats, with Jonathan doing his training, falling for a fine ass princess, and eventually being shipped off to some foreign land to participate in The Game. It's at this point when many of Jonathan's rival competitors are introduced, all of whom have come from far and wide to compete for the chance to make a wish of their own (Hover board! Hover board! Hover board!). Now, with the exception of Bob Schott's monstrous Thorg and an appearance by Martial Arts stuntman and actor, John Barrett, most of these characters are pretty forgettable, save for one man: the always Australian, no matter what the movie is, Richard Norton, who plays the film's villain, Zamir. When Zamir is on the screen, he is not to be ignored. From his scrumptiously full beard to the truly gorgeous animal skin vest, which he wears without even the slightest hint of shirt underneath, Zamir is a fashionable force to be reckoned with. He is a true highlight of Gymkata.
Anyway, the action really picks up once The Game begins, and this is when Jonathan gets his opportunity to fully unleash the power of Gymkata! As Jonathan somersaults from one opponent to the next, spinning and twirling about conveniently placed gymnastic shaped structures, it quickly becomes apparent that Gymkata is very impractical and often quite silly as a fighting style. Regardless, I will give props where they're do, as it's very clear that Kurt Thomas is (obviously) a highly skilled athlete, and there are times when his "style" does look pretty cool, though, not as cool as Patrick Swayze's own hybrid Ballet-Fu from Road House. Nothing beats that shit. Anyway, there's a point during all this action when the film goes from your standard B-Action flick to something entirely different, and from out of nowhere, Gymkata hits confounding levels of surrealism that is completely out of place. It's almost as if Clouse and company decided to toss a little Alejandro Jodorowsky into a novelty film about a gymnast turned warrior sent to partake in a deadly obstacle course. And, well, it's as odd as it sounds.
Sadly, Gymkata did not do well at the box office, which is incredibly unfortunate, because this lack of success meant there would not be a surge in Gymkata inspired Martial Arts flicks. And let's face it, if Gymkata had been successful, it could have led to one hell of an awesomely bad subgenre for other "filmmakers" and "stars" to cash in on, and I can only imagine the gold that would have come from it. But alas, this would not be the case, however, we should all be thankful that we are left with at least one gymnastics meets karate mash-up, and if Gymkata has one thing going for it, it's that there is no better film that features "the skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate."
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Chuck Norris Ate My Baby!
