Image by Frank Browning
Bloodsport: "Like put up your dukes, right!?"
Written by Brobocop
For my own entry into “Yeah! Guns 'n
Shit!” I have decided to bring the Van Damage, with what is still my absolute favorite film from JCVD, Bloodsport. I realize
it's not a technically well made film; the acting is bad and the
story seems lifted from preschool, but good grief it is entertaining
as fuck... just as entertaining as it was when I was a kid. I had
this flick recorded from HBO on a VHS, probably from it's premiere
air date, and I wore it the hell out. I wanted to fight in the Kumite
and make my father proud, even though I kinda hated fighting. I
wanted to do the splits like it was no big fucking deal, even though
it looked completely ball ripping to me. I wanted music to just
start playing over any adventurous aspect of my preteen life, turning great moments into a montage, and I
still want that to happen because it seems awesome as shit.
Before starting this write-up, I did a
little bit of studying on the real Frank Dux. It's something I had
never done before, strangely. I guess because at the time this movie
came into my life, I was too young to really care about the real life
aspect of it, and even if I did care the resources of actually
studying up on it were pretty scarce. I'm not gonna dwell on this too
much, but a lot of people seem to think that the real Frank Dux is
kinda sorta full of fucking shit, and to be honest it's hard to disagree. I've seen a couple of
Youtube videos of Dux doing stuff like punching through “bulletproof”
glass and kicking wine bottles into oblivion, but does that equal this list of badass achievements?
I just dunno...
Anyway, even if Dux's stories of being
some sick as hell secret agent motherfucker who just straight ripped
through the competition at a underground fighting tournament were
true, he himself admits that parts of the tale were altered for the
movie. So, I kinda just want to enjoy Bloodsport for the mindless
entertainment that it is, and never let the image of the extra
douchey looking real Frank Dux enter my mind again. Viva la Van
Damage!
Also, when I was running that VHS
recorded copy of Bloodsport into the goddamn ground, I always kind of
thought of the movie as a dumbed down less heartfelt version of The
Karate Kid. Like a 90 minute version of mostly just the tournament
part of The Karate Kid (save for a few scenes of other shit going
on), with more blood and cursing. Anyway, here goes...
Bloodsport (1988)
Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Donald Gibb, Leah Ayres
Writers: Sheldon Littich, Christopher Cosby, Mel Friedman
Director: Newt Arnold
Miss the hell out of seeing this logo pop up before a movie.
So much of Bloodsport is montage. Shit,
from the opening credits we the viewers are thrown into this magical
world where 80s synth just seemingly jams right out of the fucking
sky, happy to accompany people from all over as they
prepare for the Kumite. We got dudes knee kicking through boards,
hopping onto a tree branch and hand chopping a fucking coconut in half,
busting through blocks of ice like it aint no thing... shit is out of
control.
And this is when we meet Frank Dux, who
is enlisted in the army. He gets invited to the Kumite and has to go
AWOL in order to compete because the military aint having that shit.
Too much has been invested in Dux for them to allow him to just rush
off and possibly die in an illegal underground fighting event. And
this is pretty much all we know about Frank, until he visits his
Shidoshi's house before he leaves for Hong Kong, where the tournament
is taking place. As soon as he enters the front door of Senzo Tanaka's home,
BAM!!! Flashback scene.... a 10 FUCKING MINUTE flashback scene, half
training with paper thin story/half training montage --this is only 5
minutes into the film, btw. It starts out with young reluctant Frank
and a few friends breaking into Tanaka's home to steal a sword or
some shit. Well, it don't go down that way. After they hear a noise,
Frank's friends dip the fuck out the window, and Dux --trying to be
the good guy-- starts to put the sword away, but instead takes a kick to the stomach by a kid no taller than Zelda Rubinstein.
Afterward, he and Senzo Tanaka have a talk.
"I wasn't going to steal it."
SHUT YOUR FACE!
Senzo strikes a deal with Frank and his
parents and begins training him in the art of Martial Science.
However, at first Frank is basically just an animated dummy for
Senzo's son to kick the living piss out of on the daily. But Dux gets
all butt hurt over this; he wants to learn, too, dammit! Flash
forward- young Tanaka dies and Senzo is about to call it quits. Young
Frank has grown into Van Damme with feathered hair 'n shit, and he
talks Senzo into training him as a member of the Tanaka clan. This is
when the montage aspect of the flashback takes over. Scene after
scene of Frank getting tossed around like a fucking rag doll to the
tune of motivational jams. His chances at mastering the arts look
rather bleak at first, then things get better. Senzo shows him how he
can catch fish right out of the water with his bare hands. Frank
learns how to train and serve tea fucking blindfolded, but his legs
need further conditioning so he can do the splits like no other. So
Senzo starts stretching those shits out by tying Frank to trees. The
deal is sealed once Frank manages to pull himself out of forced
splits. Here, the music slows down to the crawl of softcore porn,
while Frank and Senzo share many bromantic glances with one another.
Then WOWZERS, Frank is free and one of the poor trees he was tied to
comes a-tumblin' down. Dux has passed the training, and once Senzo
honors him, the camera pans above them and the music fades to echoed
drums. There are no words to describe the awesomeness of this scene,
so I am just gonna understate it by saying it's fucking EPIC.
Shit, that was fun! Long story short-
Frank makes it to Hong Kong, befriends Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds (who has changed his name to Ray Jackson and has became a smidgen
smarter) and Victor Lin (who is basically Frank and Ray's liason, and
sounds awesome when he says “Like put up your Dukes, right?” and
“You're blowing it, Frank, You gotta forget about the girl!”),
fucks a sorta hot (but not as hot as Van Damme) reporter who wants
to get the full story of the Kumite, rips through the competition at
the tournament, and meets one hell of an intimidating antagonist...
the undefeated champ of the Kumite who gives not a single fuck if he
kills you in battle, Chong Li (Bolo Yeung). Frank beats Chong's
fastest win record and the dude gets pretty pissy. Oh yeah, while all of this
madness is unfolding, Frank is also being pursued by two military
criminal investigation officers (one being Forest 'Ghost Dog'
Whitaker) who have been sent to Hong Kong to bring him back in one
piece. These two D-bags are about as bumbling as it gets.
Thanks for reading. The end!
Just joking. I can't quit talking about
this shit just yet. That's what I get for re-visiting Bloodsport for the first
time in probably 7 years, and when I say “re-visiting” I mean I
watched it at least 6 fucking times in the last two weeks. It owns me
right now.
So let's start out with the cold hard
fact that the story and acting in this film are pretty damn
atrocious. But let's defend this with me declaring that if Bloodsport
had been created on a more professional level I don't think I could
enjoy it as much. Let's look at the friendship between Frank
and Ray Jackson. They bond after Dux whips his ass at the classic arcade game, Karate Champ. After this they are besties, and by the end of
the movie are saying “I love you” 'n shit. Well, Ray just says
“Me too”, but still. Keep in mind that Frank is only in Hong Kong
for 3 days and some change. Same goes for his relationship
with the reporter, Jenny. At first she kinda comes off interested in
nothing but getting a story about the Kumite. Next thing ya know,
she's taking the Van Damage in bed --after the fact fuck scenes
suck-- and is concerned for his well being after
Chong Li stomps Ray's fucking head in. So yeah, this film is a rush
job if I ever saw one. Frank finds love with a new found best friend
and finds a piece of ass that actually cares for him, in the span of
three days. I'll admit, a love angle is usually swift moving in an
action flick, but this is like “Who gives a fuck” swift moving.
And honestly, it's head on. I don't mind Frank having a bestie and
getting some ass; that's some awesome shit in between the action.
And would you just look at that pair of turd cutters? DAMN.
Random, but I love the outfits that Van
Damme wears in this movie. His pants are up pretty damn high and this shirt makes his tits look damn sexy. Because they
are.
Now, I'm gonna go back to talking about montages, because most of the fight sequences in Bloodsport play as such.. Just a bombardment of matches edited
together, moving along the events of the Kumite with a quickness. I
also must express my liking for whenever a mean spirited looking
opponent is beating a nicer looking guy, the music gets a chillingly evil and hopeless sound to it (thank you Paul Hertzog), especially when Chong Li is in the
ring. But nothing really tops Stan Bush's "Fight to Survive".
Also, Frank escaping the grips of
Detective Ghost Dog and Old Dude to the jams of Michael Bishop's "Steal the Night" is just fucking gold.
And while we're at it, Frank riding
around in a bus thinking about stuff while Stan Bush's "On My Own –
Alone" plays is the stuff dreams are made of. I hope that if I ever ride in a bus
while thinking about stuff this song kicks in.
I'm not gonna waste any time discussing
performances. I'll just say expect the worst and you'll get the best.
I'd much rather take this time to pay some respect to some of the epic
face shots in Bloodsport. I don't think I've ever seen so goddamn
many fabulous expressions in any other single movie. I really can't shout out to all of them, but I'll go with a few of my faves. The shit is mind
boggling, so here we go!
EPIC FACE RUNDOWN!
EPIC FACE RUNDOWN!
"Fuck you, bottom brick!" face
Enthusiastic crowd faces
"He broke my fucking leg!" face + "I broke his fucking leg!" face = GOLD
"YEAH! I just beat a dude smaller than my dick!" face
"I fucking HATE your stomach!" face
"I don't fucking think so, Ogre!" face
"Shit, I can't see! I'm so furious!" face
As far as camera work, nothing really bedazzles the shit out of me in Bloodsport, except two sequences. The first being the long shot of a narrow, dark, grimy, moist looking entrance to the Kumite. Fucking freaky. Almost belongs in a horror movie, until you get inside and two weirdos wanna see Frank perform a Dim Mak. The second takes place during the final fight between Dux and Li. It's a slow shot that pans from left to right of the ring, but the cam goes behind the judges heads. Can't really explain why it amazes me so much, except for saying it pretty much captures everything that's going on in the room while these two dudes circle each other with ferocity. That's basically it. But ya know what? That's okay. There's a whole heap of badass slo-mo going on, and I eat that shit like Van Damme's foot to my face.
So, I'm gonna bow out now. For me, Van
Damme movies never got better than Bloodsport. Sure, he has quite a few other films that I thoroughly enjoy watching, but I'm kinda in the
mode right now to where I feel like I could watch this shit at least
once a month, and I hope said feeling never goes away.
~The End~
--
Brobocop
Brobocop
